Letting go is so hard.
This girl was the most important thing to me in the world, for maybe 2 years, until suddenly we broke contact. We both helped each other through our own individual depressions and loneliness, but this kind of total dependence ends up lasting a lot longer than the relationship. While helping each other, we also dragged each other down a lot, and after a while I realised that her constant disappointments we're only dragging me further down, though I realised this much too late, and I ended up losing my friends, and the future that I had been working towards all these years.
We initiated contact again recently, as I have previously day-logged, and now I know this is the worst mistake I have made in quite a while, as she has already begun dragging me down all over again. And the constant feeling of wanting nothing more than for her to be in my arms isn't helping. It's not that I couldn't have her, its that she hasn't changed, but I have, and I'm trying to live, trying to pull my life together, and be someone. While she is still the same person, who already has, and will continue to hurt me in the same way.
I spent last friday night waiting for her, as I used to, but she decided, without calling, to go out with some other people instead, so for the 4th time, out of the 6 organised meetings weve had recently, shes fucked with my head. Now I feel bad for telling her its not healthy for me to see her anymore. I can't concentrate on anything while knowing she exists, I can't think about anything else, but I'm trying so desperately to lose these feelings. Trying to hold in tears that don't deserve to be shed in the first place, as I know that she holds no particular care for me anymore, despite her apparent longing to get back together.
I can't get her out of my head, but I know how much it will hurt to try to continue this "friendship" or to get back together. I hate these unreliable feelings, and I hate myself for not being able to shake them. She is the cause of my depression, because she was the only cause of my happiness. I know its not all her fault, but she really tries too hard to make everyone unhappy, usually the people who she thinks will run away if they aren't, and I was never one of those people. But I am determined to be one now, for my mental health.
I really don't know what I'm saying here anymore. I need companionship, I need advice, I'm always needing other people.. But theres noone around.