Note: This w/u was originally an independent node, but it has been determined
to be a GTKY node and, therefore, better suited for the daylog.
There's this fantasy I have wherein I'm loved by a wonderful woman, happy,
successful, alive and capable of reproducing when the time is right. It's
just a dream, though, and as with all dreams, it's about time I wake up.
As much as I would like to think that getting my every wish or having my
dreams come true will happen eventually, the truth of the matter is that some
people never realize their dreams and I'm probably one of 'em. Sure, I'm a
nice guy and relatively harmless, but it ain't gonna happen to me- if it
hasn't happened by now, it probably never will. I'm about to turn 28, single,
well-adjusted, wise... I always thought people like me would be married at 23
and wildly successful. Hell, when I meet new people who know nothing about
me, they intimate surprise at my self-description of "terminally single."
My friends all tell me that "it'll happen, Jay... when it's time."
Ya know what? Fuck a bunch o' that. They're trying to allay their own
fears. It's not me they're trying to soothe (I'm pretty used to
this fact- no, I'm not happy about it, but I'm used
to it); they look at me and see what they are to become (it's invariably people
in their late teens or early twenties who keep telling me the lie that I'm
not going to die alone).
Do I like being single? Hell, no. I miss having someone in my bed when
I wake up in the morning like you wouldn't believe! I miss feeling soft skin
next to mine as I drift off to sleep. I miss warm breath on the back of my
neck as my dreams take me away to far-off places. I miss kind smiles as the
morning sun caresses my eyelids. I miss gentle laughter that stirs my soul
to mirth. I miss a soft, lilting voice that echoes in my ears when we're apart...
GOD do I miss it. Most of all, I miss love. I miss being able
to express it to another person, I miss receiving it when my heart desperately
needs it, I miss feeling it when the rest of my life is in turmoil, so that
I can use love as my anchor.
Being single is shit compared to being in love. Spring can lick my lily-white
nutsack, for all I care. I'm single and available- ask me how
long it's been since I've been laid. Ask me how long it's been
since I've felt loved. You'd think it would change, somehow, right?
Going out, staying relatively warm-hearted to nearly everyone that crosses my
path, being friendly... zip. All the women I've met that're worth having are
either already with someone else or they're so damn far away that
I can't get to them without robbing a bank or two.
When I see happy, young couples kissing with all their hearts at the Cafe
Coco or in the park, I won't try to stop them- oh, no. I'll even smile at them
warmly, as I always do. But deep, deep inside, where people don't know it
can happen within me, I'm going to be hating their guts and wishing their lips
would fall off. I'm going to secretly hate every lovey-dovey schmuck in existence
until Spring is good and fucking gone.