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How a Pope is chosen (idea)
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(
idea
)
by
NightWriter
Wed Apr 03 2002 at 20:59:52
According to the truly
marvellous
book
How to hold a crocodile
, this is
all you need to know
to become
Pope
(with a few added
comments
,
courtesy
of
me
):
Unless
otherwise
stated, everything in
bold
is a
fact
.
Everything
else is, well...
You must be a
Roman Catholic
(sort of an important
prerequisite
)
You must be a
priest
(this rule was
introduced
after the
reign
of
Jean-Luc
the
Hotdog Vendor
)
You must rise through the ranks of
bishops
and
archbishops
, defeating your
opponent
s in
mortal combat
, to become a
cardinal
and member of the
Sacred College
(I made up the bit about
mortal combat
, although it would make things more
interesting
)
Between the 15th and 18th days after the
death
of the old Pope, you'll have your big
chance
as the
College
votes for a new one in
seclusion
(although it is
rumoured
that these three days are basically a big
papal
party, consisting of little else but heavy
drinking
and
gettin' jiggy with it
-- hence the term "
cardinal sin
s")
If you
receive
a
conclusive
vote, you are
official
ly the new Pope; all you have to do is accept the
papacy
and give yourself a
new name
Your
coronation
will take place a few weeks later
(leaving you free to bend the
Catholic
world to your holy
whim
and giving you free
access
to
Popemobile
with all its
special features
, like
stinger missile
s and a
jacuzzi
)
Interesting Facts
:
Of the
264
popes (
262
to be
exact
because
Pope Benedict IX
, during the
dreadful
medieval
battles between
pope
s and
antipope
s, was
elected
three times
)
205
were
Italian
s and
57
were
foreigner
s: including
19
Frenchmen
,
14
Greek
s,
8
Syrian
s,
5
German
s,
3
African
s,
2
Spaniard
s,
1
Austria
n, 1
Palestinian
, 1
Englishman
, 1
Dutchman
, and 1
Pole
(no, the
other
sort of Pole).
The
oldest
Pope was
Adrian I
(
772 AD
),
elected
at
80
years of age; the
youngest
was
Benedict IX
(
1032 AD
) at
12 years of age
.
81 Popes have been
canonize
d
(note: this doesn't mean "
eaten by other people
", but rather "made into a saint"),
7 have been
beatified
(
nearly
made a saint) and there have been
38
antipope
s
(like a pope, but
really evil
and
demonic
).
The reign of
Pope John VIII
was going well, until everyone realised that he was actually a
woman
; bringing about the
consecration
ceremony
that consisted of a newly-elected pope having his
genitals
examined so that the
College
was satisfied that their pope was indeed a man.
Sources:
How to hold a crocodile
(
1981
)
http://www.popechart.com/facts.htm
Antipope
Popemobile
Testiculos Habet Et Bene Pendentes
How to Hold a Crocodile
Formula for proclaiming yourself Pope
What happens when a Pope dies
College of Cardinals
Benedict IX
Habemus Papam
Pope Joan
Beatify
Jean-Luc Ponty
Jean-Luc Godard
example of use of a function pointer
John Paul II
Jean-Marie Lustiger
John XXII
pope
2005 Papal Conclave
Highland clearances
Innocent VIII
Canonize
Thirteen
Stoned Pope