Well that's it - it finally happened.
I've become one of those people
who sit in a stinky coffee shop
with their lil' laptop
and being all lonely and chic
Bah I tell you
So its been a while since I've really written anything on here, and I suppose its mainly because I have nothing to say - so why fill up space with empty crap-loaded babble. But I've now come to some sort of strange awakening being all alone. After a couple of breakdowns and stupid moves, I've come to terms with the daily life of a lonely person. Although I'm not thrilled about it, I'm not exactly depressed anymore. I'm actually getting used to it and finding that its actually not that bad...
Unfortunately, I still have a sense of uneasiness when I lay down at night. It seems as though I'm just laying down to get the day over with and then tomorrow I'll just start over with the same old craptastic shit. I go through my day
6:30 am - fucking cute puppy
wakes my lazy ass up and eats my hair to get me up to feed and water him
8:00 am - i actually get up and do those things and go to school
3:00-sometime later- i come home and feel like ass for a while and then do homework or play the sitar
midnight - go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better
lather, rinse, repeat
For some reason when I was with someone I didn't have this horrible empty feeling at night. But perhaps that was because I was focused mainly on someone else. I was reducing the 'I' as a certain Dr. Gucharadan Das said in his talk on Karma Yoga at UT a few weeks ago. He was speaking of the renouncing of the fruits of action and the like as found in the BhagavadgItA. The way one can acheive a life without suffering is to reduce the 'I'- perform your actions in life not for yourself but for the sake of the action. This can be accomplished by focusing on work, or others, or as in the bhakti tradition - in a god/God/gods/goddess.
This is super easy to do when one is say, performing in front of a group of people and you are in the moment- you are performing whatever and putting all your effort and thought into that action. The performance isn't yours, you can't keep it and take it home at night to cuddle up with, but you can just kick ass for its own sake. Recently, in my Bharatnatyam dancing I am finding solace in performing. The feeling that I get when I am up on stage performing these beautiful dances is unreal- It's as if I am there doing the dance, but when its over I can't even remember the details of my performance. That's exactly was Dr. Das was referring to, you should be performing the action with a reduced sense of yourself.
I just wish I could do that all the time- then I could possibly cut out a lot of this MayA (worldly-illusion) and end the crap ass suffering of being alone.