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I am crying as I write this and my hands are weak.

I need to do this, mostly for my own sake. I was 19 and it was the 11th of September when we got a call from the hospice where my mom had lived for the last month or less. It only took about two months from diagnosis of a returned breastcancer to that call.

I really wanted her to be alive when I got there since the day before had been bad, even though I got to spend time with her and nothing bad happened. And I could never squeeze out the words "I love you". But she was dead, I remember crying senselessly for about an hour before me and dad could phone relatives and friends. I didn't cry one tear before that moment when I saw her laying on her bed, arms crossed. And up until this day I'm not sure if I've even said the words "my mom is dead".

I want her to know what I do and what she really meant to me.. She was the one who actually convinced me that life was worth living, and now she is dead.