The comforting rhythm of a
new CD, spinning in the background. The familiar hum of
electronics that lull me to sleep every night. The atmosphere
outside. These things I take for granted, and yet I've recently come to reflect on them a great deal while on
break.
Shortly before I left, I realized that I had written things
here that I probably didn't want those who knew me, and who read this site, to know. However, I didn't want to delete the
writeup. While it is a trivial task for the site administrators to determine
who I was, I would appreciate it if I was allowed to co-exist with my prior account. Anyways, to point of this daylog.
I cannot see myself as an
old person. I can't even see myself as
middle aged. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I will die while
young. This was not an easy conclusion for me to arrive at, but it was the only
logical solution. Because of this, and because of the peculiar life I lead, I've decided to
change.
Now that I've said that much, it's time to change. I cannot remain
timid or
shy, which I am in excess. I have to be
bold and
confront the world that surrounds me, rather than
passively taking what I'm given. However, having lived a life of
introversion,
avoidance, and timidity, this is not easy. I repeatedly run away from meeting people who I might like, who I may get into a relationship with, because I am
scared of myself.
I've been in two
relationships in the past, had two girlfriends. Neither relationship was initiated by me, I somehow managed to find girls who took the initiative and
asked me out, as it must have been obvious I was
incapable of doing so. However, neither relationship lasted
very long.
The first relationship began with a wonderful girl, near my
height, quite a rare thing. She was quite smart, attractive, and
athletic. Those who know me can vouch that those three
attributes definitely trigger me attraction for the
female in possession of them. Despite all that I had going for me, I
fouled it up horribly. So my first relationship ended a scant two months after it had began, almost
three and a half years ago.
After the end of that relationship, I fell into a
depression, right as the junior year of
highschool started for me. That year didn't go well, ending with me being suspended, being sent to a
psychologist, and in general having my parents flip out. About halfway through that year, a girl at my
school asked me out. Her parents refused to allow the relationship to happen, and it turned out
quite badly a few months later.
That will be three years ago this
August. Since then,
I have asked out
two women. Both have
turned me down. I'm tired of being
alone. I want to
lie down on my bed, holding
the one I love for hours on end, listening to her
breathe, being at peace with the world.
This is not meant to be. Not unless I
change. And so I shall.