The Horny E2 Portland Conflagration (idea)

BECAUSE WE BLOODY WELL FELT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE™
Bugger, I can't get the blink tag working...

UPDATED UPDATE! For need for an initial public, all-ages central meeting place, "pioneer courthouse square" has been called as the starting point of this con, "about 4:30ish," where we will remain for approximately one hour to meet up with hustling just-got-out-of-workers.

UPDATE CONT'D! Since the schedule for the proceedings is still nebulous at best (we have activities, but not a sequence or even a strict location associated with many of them) parties interested in joining the proceedings but who for whatever reason find themselves incapable of hooking up with the main mass of the meet at Pioneer Courthouse Square from 4:30-5:30 pm are encouraged to call our new official roving meet-com, LordOmar's celphone at 503-381-4436 for information on the con's present and pending locations.

UPDATED CONT'D CONT'D! I should be arriving in Portland at 3:20 pm (at the bus - not train - station) and meeting up with LordOmar, iDeath, Prole and Dialogue there and then. Impatient parties are encouraged to join their welcome wagon, from which we should be ducking into Powell's Big Wide World Of Dead Tree Covered In Alphanumeric Symbols en route (on foot, seemingly) to the main meet beginning listed above.

DON'T FORGET! To ask flamingweasel for one of his mix CDs! (see his writeup below for more information...) You know you want one! All the cool kids will be listening to them!

YOU ARE NOW RETURNED TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED MEET-PROMOTIONAL WRITE-UP.

<jasonm> e2 post-earthquake recovery party - portland edition

Last summer I casually remarked to international visitors how the Pacific Northwest seemed to be scattered with more than its fair share of people worth spending time with, many of them active participants on this very database. Yet, for some reason (the constant and oppressive rainclouds overhead discouraging emergence from troglodytic abodes?) unless acted upon by an outside force these groovy individuals tend to stay where they are - near, but not near enough to interact with in a satisfying manner. Thence and thus, I entered into a compact with whosoever was making the mistake of listening to me natter on: that the international collusion of some of our era's greatest criminal masterminds needed to recur at irregular (to throw off the authorities) but frequent intervals that our insidious plans for world domination could flourish in the cross-pollenation of each others' notorious company. The mad scientists of London seemed to have a good racket going, as did the serial killer segment of New York's rickety and labyrinthine parquets. We, the megalomaniacal and perverted arsonists of Cascadia could rightfully settle for no less, and as our first congress had occurred in Vancouver, BC, Canada during the summer so with the passage of the seasons would emerge subsequent reunions in each others' home territories - winter in Washington and spring in Oregon.

(It is best not to speak of the Fall.)

Which brings us to where we are now...

• WHEN? Monday, March 12th, 2001. I should be stepping off the bus at the depot about 3:30 pm, about the right time for a spot of tea 8)
• WHERE? A small rural community somewhere in the United States. Most of the population lives in the town, but some prefer the cabins on the outskirts, coming into town only for meals. Meals are taken communally and members of the community take turns cooking. The only major crop in the area is watermelons which are used for virtually everything. They are taken to the watermelon works and cooked down until only the sugar is left, which is then worked into the shape of the one thing the people own - their lives.

  Er... what I meant, of course, was Portland, Oregon, USA. But hey, if you couldn't glean that from the node's title, you've probably got bigger problems to deal with.

  Castle Ideath (aka the Funhouse) will be the base of operations for our insidious objectives.

• WHY? Uh, this way I can get away with effectively crossing just a single state.
  I mean because in the best of all possible worlds the gracious coordinators in this fine city are marginally more interested in hosting the meet than the enthusiastically-attending-yet-apathetically-organizing Corvalis bunch.
• HOW? By hook or by crook!
• WHO? A very good question. Let us tabulate those who have thus far made the fatal mistake of being caught expressing some non-commital interest in attending!
  • The Perfidious Professor Pseudo_Intellectual, primary perpetrator of this putrid party.
  • Joyless Jeeves, a timely excuse to begin organizing this shebang. The man planned a road trip (with four friends - including the circumscissile and circumvallating Srkorn! ($1 please) - who will doubtless be in at least partial attendance!) due to intercept Portland on this date; that was the grain of dust around which the vapours of these plans began to condense.
  • The Insidious iDeath, inside informant; the closest thing this horrid host presently has to one.
  • The Malevolent moJoe, Mystic Master of Mendacity and Munchkin-Maledicting!
  • Prole the Persecutor of PAIN!
  • The Disapprobating, Demonic and Disastrously Diseased Dialogue (phew!)
  • The Grotesque and Ghoulish Glowin_Orb!
  • Lord "Your puny weapons are powerless before my superior intelligence!" Omar!
  • Tomwhore the Terrible, Terrible Tattle-Tale!
  • The Brilliant but Broken Brain! (In a jar. It could be Einstein's, it could be Hitler's... we're not quite sure which yet.)
  • Dragoon, the Draconian Druid of DOOM!
  • JasonM, The Jejeune Jester!
  • The Kabalic Kakistocrat kamamer!
  • The Cold Custard-Consuming Custodian!
  • Ailie the All-Powerful Albino!
  • The Arrogant Arachnoid, Arrowfall!
  • Stinky Sarahh, Scourge of the Seven Swamps!
  • The Notorious Ninja-Lad!
  • Fiendish Flamingweasel, Flagrant Frotteur of Flattened Flamingos!
  • Girlface, the Grand Grumbledoke!
  • Pestilent Pukesick, who might be in Europe at the time.
  • The Insalubrious and Impious Icicle!
  • Uh... uh... ...Ælien, who may well be bringing a van up (or not - see his writeup below) from Southern California containing...
  • Antagonizing Andara and may-well-be others, too.
  • The Slithering Saboteur s_alanet, Sacreligious Sadist of the Sanitorium!

  Some quasi- and, well, not-at-all locals who, despite ugly rumours, most likely will *not* be in attendance:

  • Uh. Qousqous!
  • The Wicked and Warped Wonko!
  • The Chain-smoking Chancelllor of Chaos, Chihuahua Grub!
  • Kesper North, the Kitschy Killer!
  • The Jabbering Jaywalker, JayBonci!
  • thefoul thefez!
  • The Diabolical (and Damned Debonair) Discofever !
  • Sinister Seanni!
  • The Lurid Lackey-Licker Lost and Found!
  • The Damnable and Dastardly DerekL!

  (This is almost as much fun as naming Battle Beasts. Naah... it's more! /msg me to get your name and meet status added to this list of chronic sociopaths and ne'er-do-wells!)

• WHAT? Uhhh... Oh yeah, this column was still covering the five questions. Possible activities for this outstanding gathering of shambling mounds of spiritual corpulence include:
  • P_I needs a copy of the Portland Mercury. His life just isn't the same without regular access to Wm. Steven Humphrey™'s I ♥ Television column... (his insides begin to twist and turn inside him, a glowing phosphorescent substance secreted from his growing-prehensile hair until his head separates from his neck and flies off with his internal organs to feast upon infants)... so it would be a good idea to find one at some point during our adventures.
  • I can probably pick up a copy at Powell's City of Books. Perhaps I can just pack a bag full of books and unload them there to fund my insidious activities. Looks like I'll kill some time there perusing in the afternoon before the meet gets into full rampage.
  • Why didn't anybody tell me Portland was the home of the 24-hour First Presleyterian Church of Elvis The Divine!? Clearly we need to take some time off the meet for me to get married to somebody. Any takers? Looks like this'll be the first stop from Pioneer Court Square...
  • Eat poop you cat. Gaming has always been an integral part of my previous e2cons, from the grueling Trivial Pursuit war of attrition last summer to Renfield in Olympia, but this promises to be the best game of them all, from which there is no going back. This activity will probably either occur at the Funhouse or maybe in a diner somewhere on placemats. WheE!
  • The Write-up Contributed to by the Most People. Yeah, using computers at meets is an inveterately geeky thing to do, but it's been one of my long-term fancies and even if only half the people on the possible attendee list so far show up, we'll still break the existant record. Must occur somewhere where there is writing apparatus, presumably The Funhouse.
  • Black Cat, White Cat. Because hey, it can't make less sense than Mod Fuck Explosion did. To be screened at the Funhouse.
  • Conflagration? That is, of course, a colossal and disastrous fire, consuming all in its path and reducing great empires to ash and charnel mounds of blackened bone. Regrettably the date set is a couple of days after the full moon but I'm sure our median pyromaniacal urges will catalyse some token flaming (non-Usenet, please), perhaps in the form of small sacrifices to local and household gods. (On the other hand, if someone down there can get ahold of a propane torch, I know a trick involving a tea candle...)
  • Surely a world-class city the size of Portland has got to have a Dance Dance Revolution machine somewhere in it. We must find this machine, and utilise it to look exceedingly silly. The Whiz-Bang alternative of Karaoke seems perhaps feasible but more of a long-term activity-investment.
  • I think we'll all agree it would be a gas to see how many times we could complain about the position of toilet seats to MoJoe until he snaps and forcibly tears one from its housing.
  • You just know you can't leave without reading the entire surface of the infamous button-hat, and THAT'll take a few hours, minimum. (... for the hypno-button to kick in and you all to be made into my mindless army of walking, noding slaves! Mu... MUA ha HA HAH A hah a HAH A HAH HOO hee hee.)
  • Though earlier in the afternoon the opportunity might well arise for an urbane and civilized rerun, the subsequent debauchery of spending all night engaged in evil scheming will undoubtedly incur a lot of evil calories burned off in our evil, evil brains. Evil calories are, of course, best obtained in the uniquely-American all-night diner where we can practice getting the attention of the servers through nefarious means.
  If you know the possible name and location of such a diner, speak up! Failing the sucessful attainment of the salt-fat-and-grease combo, we can always fall back on bright orange soup. Mm mm!
  • Aaand of course there's always the usual drug-and-booze-fuelled orgies following moJoe around as he makes his bleary, stumbling way through his daily routine. Participation is strictly voluntary.
  • Oh yes, I almost forgot: icicle wants us to play Truth or Dare, though she might not admit it.

Possible Problems / Matters for Discussion:

Q: Don't you dingbats realise that this is on a Monday night? What kind of decent, God-fearing noder can venture forth into distant and unfriendly lands in mid-week?

A: No decent and God-fearing noders can, of course, which is so much the better as we'd turn them away at the front gate! However, as earlier mentionned, the reason for the somewhat unsavvy date-placement of this gathering is the serendipitous interception of the fated location with Jeeve's gang of wacky Arizonans, twirling through northern California the night before and resting their weary pineal glands in Portland before tearing up to Vancouver, BC, the next day. Coincidentally whisking me off with them. (They will be spending some time with me at the happy TabHouse getting intimately acquainted with novelties to Arizonans such as rain and trees.) One or even two days earlier would undoubtedly accomodate more people, but it wasn't in concert with those people's plans that this meet was called in the first place. An extended, multi-day con would be much fun, but I'm not feeling possessive of quite the cojones necessary to dictate to the gracious hostses how many days they need to put their lives on hold to match everyone's plans optimally.

Q: Will somebody put us up?

A: I've arranged for somebody in the area to put me up, but again won't presume to speak on behalf of their floor space where an as-yet-unknown number of bodies are concerned. I'd recommend talking to a local, as found in your friendly People Registry node. Besides, you weren't planning on SLEEPING, were you?

Q: We're looking for an open-24-hours place-to-eat where potential minor meet-attendees can enter!

A: Uhh... any takers, Portlanders? Chihuahua Grub recommends Roxy's - "a 24-hr. coffee shop with a good jukebox and plenty of surly.")

Q: Also, Jeeves is looking for information regarding campsites in the area.

If you have further questions, comments, complaints or answers to our questions, please /msg me (or better yet, one of the local Portlandians who will assuredly be posting their own write-ups in this node) or post a writeup here yusself (no need to if all you have to say is that you can't make it) and we'll try to deal with stuff as it comes up to make the meet as snaggle-free as possible. And hey - if you can't make it, spread the word to others who maybe can 8)

Please pardon the stylistic excesses of this write-up, as it was produced under the influence of sleep-depravation. If you must exact vengeance on me for it, hunt me down and render punishment unto me at the Conflagration itself.

PS - we have the esteemed MoJoe to thank for "Horny." An adjective was called for, and we ran with it. With luck after the con scanned photographs featuring all of us in Viking headgear will become available.

Possible post-meet activities for the road-trippers include (looks like it's not happening) hearing the Taraf de Haidouks in Seattle the evening of the 13th and (quite possibly) having dinner with Kesper North and company in Bellingham later that night just prior to hopping over the border. All very tentative, but I am thorough in my information-sharing... (duh, though I suppose I need to tell the denizens of this database that least of all...)

...

reviews: the horny E2 Portland conflagration post-soiree wrap-up

...

previous | next...