Dear Mr. Igloowhite,
First of all, let me congratulate you on the opening of your and Chandler Bing's show "In Los Angeles, Something Is Always Burning" at the Ojala Gallery in Echo Park. Though I'd read the poems before on the Interwebsite "Anything2", the passage of time has robbed them of none of their power to delight and compel. In the way they evoke the essence of the city of Los Angeles I would dare to compare them to the writing of the great Raymond Chandler. I was very pleasantly surprised by Mr. Bing's pen and ink (?) artwork which hung alongside your printed poems, in most instances not directly commenting on or depicting the contents of each poem but elaborating on the general expressed theme. I felt that Bing's style, which evokes 60s record album art and underground comix, perfectly matched your own.
But now to my main point of concern. While I did not get a chance to speak with you during the opening, I understand that an "actor" named Jerry Appelbaum (and I use the word in quotes) approached you with an offer to employ his voice acting skills to render your poetry in an audio format such as broadcast or a compact disc. I am told he
also presented you with his card. Know, Mr. White, that this man is an inferior talent as well as a drunk and a womanizer. I am reliably informed that he also
steals. I urge you, stay away from Jerry Appelbaum! Do not make any "deals" with him! You will be sorry!
Instead, if the proposal he made appeals to you, consider employing me instead. He said he could do an airline pilot's voice? Ha! His "pilot" sounds more like a bad Brando impression. I, however, am adept at capturing the calm, confident, masculine authority of the true airline pilot. Why, during the 1992 Los Angeles Riots I used my authoritative "pilot voice" so effectively I was able to calm panicked citizens and induce deep remorse and law-abiding behavior in rioters within a block radius of my apartment on Vermont. I am certain I could just as effectively portray the many characters represented in your other works.
Igloo (may I call you Igloo?), if you will send me your home address I will mail you a demo tape. However, I prefer to perform for potential clients "in person" in their homes, as this truly demonstrates my versatility. You may feel as though you
are actually talking to a pilot, or a Chinese washer-woman! Please consider my offer, Igloo, and heed my warning: STAY AWAY FROM JERRY APPELBAUM. DO NOT let him into your home or
ANYWHERE NEAR your wife, a sad fact which many have not learned until it was too late. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours very truly,
Saul Freeman
Actor, Life Coach, Feng Shui Master