Picture this: you walk out of your home and onto your lawn, when suddenly you see many small, fluttering objects in the air! Is it a terrorist attack?
No. What you are seeing are birds, and they are perfectly normal. Any scientist will tell you that birds are small airborne animals related to the fish. While the shape of their bodies are similar to those of their marine brothers and sisters, they are covered in feathers, not scales. And their fins (called "wings") propel them through the air, not through water!
Birds survive by eating common outdoor pests like insects and rodents. In this way they serve Man. Birds can only see the world in five colors and are unable to distinguish between upper and lower-case letters, making them unable to fully understand newspapers. You can recognize birds by their sharp beaks and one or more of the distinctive cries they emit:
- Cheep!
- Caw! Caw!
- Hoot!
- Scree!
- Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, William Shatner! (Peculiar to the Twitted Thrush of the upper Northwest. The similarity of this birdcall to common English words is mere coincidence; birds do not understand the concepts "monkey" or "William Shatner".)
- Awk!
Almost any bird tastes good with a little seasoning, from the mightiest eagle to the tiniest nuthatch. Birds can be trained to perform time-saving tasks around the house, track down desperate criminals, and even mine precious black coal from the bowels of the Earth. So here's to you, birds! Whether you are soaring free across the blazing blue sky or pecking madly at the bars of a cage, you will always live in our hearts.