I'm scared.
The good days are getting few and far between. When my mother helped me out of bed this morning, I went to brush my hair as I always do. While she was making my bed, I looked in the mirror and picked up my favorite hairbrush.
Suddenly, my entire arm went numb, I lost my grip on the brush and dropped it. For about 15 seconds, I was unable to move my arm, hand or my fingers. Fortunately, it had fallen back on my dressing table, where I could pick it up myself when the feeling in my arm returned.
Lack of coordination is not uncommon for me, so when the brush hit the table, my mother just continued on with what she was doing. With her back turned, she didn't see my arm go limp. I didn't want her to. She would only worry about something she has no control over. She worries about me enough as it is. I see it in her eyes whenever she looks at me.
My right arm is my only functional appendage. The entire left side of my body is weak. In May of 1990, necrosis necessitated the amputation of my left leg just below the knee. Everything I do, I do with my right arm. I type my E2 nodes with my right hand.
Things like what happened this morning are to be expected. The doctors already warned me when I had my brain scan two years ago. The lack of coordination, short-term memory loss and slight confusion are no big surprise to me, but sometimes I'm afraid and frustrated.
I became a member of E2 in June of 2002. I turned 46 last month. There are so many things I've yet to do. Not the least of which is to remain an active member of this community that has become so important to me.
Yes. I'm scared, but I have a plan. My plan to fight any fears I have is to fight like hell.