Day 7243 | Day 7284 | Day 7518

There comes a point, I think, in all our lives when we come to terms with our own irrationality. We spend so much of our time trying to reason our way into doing what we really want to do that it eventually becomes easier to simply accept our flaws and do it regardless of the reasons.

Lately I've found myself drawn to reading the bits and pieces of life stories here on E2, hoping to discover some of the lessons that I've missed in my own life. Predictably I haven't learned much from doing this. If anything, the only lesson I've taken away is that the future is nothing but an ongoing series of increasingly difficult trials. Of course, E2 is a seriously skewed sample to be drawing any conclusions from.

After all, we journal only when we hurt.

When I think about the next two, ten, twenty years I can't come up with one reason (well, maybe one reason) why I want to experience them. There are reasons for me to be alive but these are all reasons not to be dead, something very different from reasons to live. It's probable that I am just going through one of those 'phases' they teach you about in high school health classes. In the age of helicopter parents and boomerang kids and 'what is it about 20-somethings anyways?' I'm told that it's very common for college students to feel listless. Hell, it's one of the great themes of growing up. Still, I frequently wonder whether it is more selfish to deny myself to others by ending my life or for others to imprison me within an unhappy life to prevent their own grief.

For now life is a continual struggle of understanding who I am and coming to terms with that person. Of trying to decide which parts of me are fungible and which are static. I'm told that it's common for college students to feel this way as well. When does a behavior cross the barrier between idiosyncrasy and pathology? Alienation, motivation, sexuality. They're like Antaeus.

Studies have shown that pessimists are actually better at gauging reality than optimists. Optimists consistently judge beneficial outcomes to a random event as more likely while pessimists come far closer to a realistic judge of their chances. So I ask myself, would I rather be right or be happy? "It'll pass" they say, "Just give it time and it'll pass." And I am very tired. It's like buying cable TV and getting a free month of HBO. It's nice at times, sure, but when the month runs out you have to ask yourself 'is it worth the subscription cost?'