Celebrities I have served (person)

For about a year and a half, I worked in a top London hotel as a kind of IT lackey who attended to the computer wants and needs of its guests. Most of the time it was simple stuff like connecting their laptops to the hotel's Ethernet, setting up a printer, configuring a VPN connection, changing SMTP servers... the kind of crap you can imagine doing in such a job. It was rarely challenging, but afforded me the opportunity to meet many interesting people and have a bullshit with them for a few minutes while I was sorting out their computers.

The following is a list of the people I can remember dealing with personally:

Nelson Mandela: Lovely man, a personal hero of mine, very old. Told him I took his name as my confirmation name when I was a kid. (Catholic upbringing)

Shakira: Colombian singer/sex siren, didn't talk much. Powerbook owner.

Tom Cruise: Nice guy. Gay as 10 Christmases apparently. More on him here.

Nicole Kidman: Sweetheart, always appreciative for everything we did for her. Sent me a £200 bottle of wine and a card at Christmas.

Penelope Cruz: Babe. Stunning. Didn't talk to her much. Had a good chat with her brother, iBook owner.

Jim Carrey: Really nice guy. Just like he is on TV.

Jack Black: Ditto. Powerbook owner. Wasn’t in a chatty mood.

Angelina Jolie: The woman, simply put, is an angel. The most down to earth and pleasant guest I met in the whole time I worked there. Always smiled, always remembered my name. Radiates love. Maddox is coolest little dude.

John Voight: Really great, pleasant guy. Would never stay in the hotel at the same time as his daughter though.

Greg Kinnear: Didn't actually realise who he was until I left the room. Bit grumpy, looked like he'd been travelling for a week. Powerbook owner.

Roseanne Barr: Larger than life (and most other things). Was sick when I went to her room. Not much chat out of her.

Mark Bowden: Lovely guy. Really, really smart. Had a good chat about Black Hawk Down and Ridley Scott (ya gotta keep it topical!). Big Bladerunner fan. A very interesting man.

Sean Astin: Nice chap. Hobbit-like. Good fun.

Peter Jackson: Bit of a grump. Not the chattiest of people.

Naomi Campbell: Everything you've heard about her being a complete bitch is true... to the power of infinity. A human being this obnoxious is rare. Had to show her 6 times how to turn on her television. Every time I showed her how to do it, she wouldn't listen to me. She said the remote control was too difficult to figure out (all 8 buttons) and that the TV was too complicated. Never looked me in the eye once, never said 'Thank You'. Off her head on some quack medication. Horrible, rude woman. Not as hot in the flesh either.

Kevin Costner: Cool guy, despite the entourage. We talked about Tin Cup (the best golf movie ever!) and his golf swing. Another Powerbook owner.

Liam Neeson: Gruff but decent. Get the impression that he has a bit of a temper. Not the type of guy you'd crack Star Wars jokes with.

Alec Baldwin: Pleasant enough, didn’t talk much. Powerbook owner.

The kids from School of Rock: Annoying little shits with tutors. All Mac owners.

Gemma Kidd: Another sweetheart. Very friendly. Again, didn't realise who she was until I left the room.

Kerry McFadden: Winner of I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here! (the only reason she made it on the list). Her mother and sister stayed in the adjoining room. Common as muck, wrecked the place.

Ken Hom: Famous Asian chef, became good mates with him as he was a very regular guest. Didn't know he was gay until I started working at the hotel. Always had kickass Sony laptops.

Imelda Marcos: Like an Asian version of Hyacinth Bucket, except with the cash to back it up. Had lots of shoes.

Matthew Perry: Bit of a grump, not a bit like Chandler in real life, unsurprisingly.

Cuba Gooding Junior: Cool motherfucker, full of chat. Likes breakdancing. Very down to earth.

I also met loads of Saudi & Bahraini Royalty too, but can't really remember any of their names. They mostly didn't like talking to us anyway. There were many people who stayed that I never met but who I would have loved to: Quentin Tarantino, Daryll Hannah, Uma Thurman, Martin Scorcese and Jennifer Lopez to name but a few. Can't win 'em all, I suppose.

Also met tons of minor celebrities like S-Club 7, the 'stars' of 2 Fast 2 Furious etc. but they don't really count in the grand scheme of the list!