Mr. Sane, a representative from Upstairs will be with you shortly.
<pause>
Mr. Sane, I'm your caseworker, I have been asked to respond to your bitc...err...grievances.
Grievance number one: Van breaks down.
Let me begin by saying,
duh.
Clearly, this one is your fault. How many times have we told you to check
the hose? When you were a lad of sixteen, we created a jingle for you, to remind you of this very simple rule:
When the hose ain't-a workin', the machine ain't-a jer- -
<adjusts halo>
From here on out, we trust you will remember this rule.
Grievance number two: Heavy work schedule. Solved by Grievance number three.
Grievance number three: Bitten by German Shepherd.
The dog wasn't scheduled to bite you until next week. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Grievance number four: Flight delay due to inclement weather.
A common complaint... we always win this point, though.
Back in the day, we timed the rain so that it wouldn't interfere with airline flight schedules. But then came deregulation, frequent flyer programs, and cute airliner slogans, "We're something special in the air" (which, btw, WE'RE something special in the air). As a result, airplanes began flying twenty-four hours a day, every day.
What's a god to do? We stopped the rain so you mere mortals could make your flights, but then your ilk began griping about having no food.
<shrugs wings>
Other commentary: Flight delayed in Detroit. Result: You make your flight to Seattle.
We planned this. You see, we wanted you to have a vacation.
(\O/)