I
hate them. Hate them hate them hate them hate them.
You know what I'm talking about.
Kiwis.
No, not the fruit, you bastard. I love the fruit. Really. It's green and yummy.
No, I hate kiwis, as in, the little fucking birds. Those things suck. I can't quite place why I hate them though, I just know that I hate them with every droplet of bile in my stomach. Maybe it's the fact they're nocturnal, maybe it's because they're flightless, or maybe it's the long, thin beaks that would make extremely cunning weapons of eye-pokery.
I'm not sure why, but I hate them. They haunt my dreams. Everything's going fine, I'm talking to some nice chick, I can hear the slap bass start, and I know I'm about to get it on, and then all of a sudden, the pitter-patter of little Kiwian feet (are those even feet? What the hell do you call a birds feet?), thousands of them, stampededing. They would be a threat, except they can't fly, so they can't jump up and peck out your eyes, so you kinda just stand there, surrounded by thousands of little, brown, fucking annoying birds, making their weird-ass calls, unable to get down to the very business the dream started out with!
And then there's the kiwi lovers! "Oh, save the Kiwi, it's an endangered species!" Maybe it wouldn't be an endangered species if it just minded its own business, and stopped encroaching on our lands. I can't help it if I shoot one for trespassing, then cut open its wretched carcass and make sacrificial offerings to Moloch's immortal spirit. Noble kiwi? They're ugly chickens, essentially, and at least chickens can get off the ground. Kinda. But we're not talking about chickens, we're talking about Kiwi. Stupid small-winged hellspawns.
Speaking of Moloch, I think he wrote one of his propehcies just for me, as if he intended for me to uncover a rare third edition of his Millenaeons and read it. The exact prophecy is as follows (Translated from Latin, of course):
One man shall go forth into the theater
Sit amongst thousands; all suffering
They will find joy, though it will take
Nine-score rotations to be freed
Now, obviously, this prophecy relates to my experience at Lord of the Rings on Wednesday. I mean, I could hear the heavy breathing of 2 thousand people, all holding their bladders closed, desperately waiting for the 180 minute (9 score! Get it?) movie to end so they could rush off to the pisser. I stayed after and marveled at the sheer size of the line for the men's rooms, it was truly inspiring.
So, to sum it up - Kiwis - Spawn of Satan.
Moloch - Predicted my Wednesday
the Two Towers - unF.