Screaming in my mind.
How is it that even though I'm making minimal sounds..just the clickity clack of the keyboard, and the rest of the house is silent my thoughts feel like a SHOUT in my head? Every sentence is like a canon going off, yet I can't keep them from flowing through me. And what set me off..what made me hypersensitive to every sound...
There's nothing quite like being told to piss off. Even if that isn't the exact phrase he used..it's what he meant. I was so super cheery today, not my usual mood. Lately I've been really happy.
Now that Christmas break is over I'm back at work, and even though there isn't much for me to do yet, it's good not having idle hands anymore. I'm forming friendships with fellow noders, I look forward to talking to these people every day. I look for them, seek them out and say hello. I think E2 has a lot to do with my improved mood these past few months. I feel like someone finds me interesting, like I'm not completely wasting my time here.
He used to make me feel that way too.
Before..
We used to spend endless hours chatting from our respective work places. Both of us could easily manage our conversation and our workload without injuring our work reputations. What great conversations we had.
There was also the similar interest in art and design pulling us together. He would call me and arrange a friendly date to go see Dave Mason speak in Baltimore, what an excellent lecture it was too!
We spent four days together while his wife, my close friend, was in California. During that time we went to art museums, visited the Inner Harbor, and relaxed while watching movies.
It was comfortable.
The kind of time you can only have with your best friend.
After..
I went weeks without hearing a word from him. Not an email. Not a message. Not a phone call. It was eating me up inside.
Didn't he hurt being apart? Didn't he feel that hole where I used to be? Was I the only one who felt suddenly stranded in the cold with no one to tell my secrets to?
He emailed me out of the blue one day. I miss you. There was more..an apology for being an ass. I had been so angry before and those three words had stopped me in my tracks and made me cry.
Was it relief? I suppose it was. Our friendship wasn't totally lost, there was something to hold dear, to rebuild with.
At least I thought there was.
He's really distant. Makes me seek him out. Never returns my emails, or acknowledges them. Ignores me when we're the only ones online. Blows me off..like he did tonight.
me: Cha cha cha
him: eh?
me: I'm chair dancing
him: wahoo
him: i probably shoulda had my away message up.... i'm resting my eyes tonight
me: oh...sorry
him: I just have this on in case Carly stops in
Hurt wasn't what immediately popped into my mind. I've had a month of his neglect now, so I'm used to it. It was this overwhelming shame and humiliation that filled me..left my face burning hot upon reading his third line.
He knew something was wrong..backpeddled through it. Kept repeating "no no no" to my attempts to end the conversation, saying I wasn't bothering him at all when I said "yes I was ..I can tell" followed by "'I should have had my away message up' aka go away."
It's hard to try and believe him when his next words after telling me I'm never bothering him when I'm talking to him are "I'm gonna make some cocoa and watch some tv"
So I was left with my humiliation, and no solid reason for it. Why did I feel so humiliated that he blew me off to watch television? That only his Aussie friend was worth talking to tonight?
It's an illusion..our friendship. One sided. I keep giving it my all, and he keeps taking it and turning away.
..and so my mind cries out in pain and frustration the only way it knows how..making my every thought excrutiating. However..
Now.
In the time it took me to write this tonight, to find just the right pipe links, I was cheered up unwittingly by my friends. I've been entertained with talk of phobias and snakes, and the cuteness of lizards. I've been challenged again by a mytserious poet to write under a nodeshell.
My thoughts redirected despite myself. My mood altered to one of happiness once more.