I met with my friend, and aide, Nutty Van Gruber today. She helps me understand the agenda in the Senate, which is important, as I am a United States Senator and need to have this information.
There are a bunch of people around here just handing me big handfuls of cash and asking me to agree to things. I'm not sure this is how it is supposed to work, but I am now sixteen million dollars richer, and I've agreed to support a bill called the Bill of Whites. Apparently, this bill allows any American citizen to murder up to five other citizens per day (yes, those figures are per day), as long as those citizens have a lower net worth than they do. Now that I have sixteen million dollars, I'm definitely in favor of that. I can't believe I was the last holdout from the GOP on this one. It was just an oversight. I'm definitely not a RINO.
I flew back to Maine today after going for one of the moustache rides that Angus King likes to give me in his office. I am attending an axe festival and refereeing the "combat axe combat" event where two groups of twenty five people go into the woods and throw axes at each other. Whichever team kills everyone on the other team wins two tickets to the Maine State Fair. You can't get in any other way.
I'm going to tear into another steamed cock-dog right now. I got a package of the home variety. They are in your grocery's meat section. If you don't see them on display, aggressively ask one of the employees, and if they give you any trouble, push the motherfucker to the ground. Have a shoe with dog shit on it handy. Do unto others what the shoe will do to you.