The following content is rated Mature Audience only. It contains coarse language and violence.
"Hey, Dave-o, chuck us a 'nother tinny while ya up."
"One here too, mate."
Dave slung a couple of beers at his friends and grabbed two more for himself. He cracked one open on his way back to his camp chair and chugged half before even sitting down.
"How's those snags coming along, Dazza?"
"Yeah, just 'bout. Few more minutes and they'll be beaut."
"Brill. Anyway, as I was sayin', this chick was a bit of alright. Fuckin' wiggling her ass in my face an' everythin'. Then this other bloke rocks up and gives me the stink eye. 'Mate,' I says, 'no worries, I ain't doing nuthin' to ya bird, I'm just sittin' here, you right?' An' the nutter looks likes he's gonna make a go of it, but the bird is fuckin' smashed as fuck and falls over in her heels, so the bloke catches her before she hits the floor an' drags her off someplace instead. Shame, fuckin' brilliant view before that tosser arrived."
"Yeah, mate, fuckin' shame."
"Too right."
"Anyway, had t' leave the pub shortly after that, closing time and a bloody early shift starting at the ass-crack of dawn."
"You still working the same place, mate?"
"Yeah. Work's shit but the pay's alright, innit? What 'bout you?"
"Same ol' story, gotta bust mah guts for some cunt so I can feed mah missus an' kids an' hope for some beer money leftover."
"Yeah. Hey Dazza, how's the snags?"
"I reckon they're just about top notch."
Darren dished the meat out and they all fell quiet for while as they stared at the campfire, munching the sausages and drinking their beers. Dave stood up, swayed, cracked his second beer, and wandered to the edge of the camp, chugging some more while taking a piss.
"So, Bluey, we gonna make a go of it or what?"
"Yeah, mate, just lemme finish this beer, right?"
"Right. Dazza, you got that spare torch round somewhere?"
"Fuck off, where's yours?"
"Left it at Shelley's. She spun this full on sob story about some power outage for maintenance works, so I let her borrow it. Working the angle, might get a piece when she drops it back."
"As if! Shelley's a quality bitch. She has more taste than to fuck some lame-o cos of a torch, mate."
"Ya shoulda tried wine or flowers instead, sheilas go ga-ga for that shit."
"Yeah alright, alright, fair point. I'll sort something out tomorrow after we get back."
"Too right. That's the only way to get your end in, mate. Wine & flowers."
"Yeah, I said alright, now fucking lay off, mate. We gonna hit the trees or what?"
"Keep your shirt on, it's happening, 'k?"
George threw back the last of his beer and tossed the empty can over his shoulder before attempting to stand up from the log and falling over backwards instead. Darren and Dave roared with laughter.
"Can't hold your beer, mate"
"Yeah, yah Cadbury."
"Oi nah, fuck off cunts, I've drunk more than both of ya, get nicked."
"Pfft, there's no way you've drunk more than us. You've barely got four empties."
"Yeah, ya way behind, ya knob."
"Yeah? Didn't see yous having any in the ute, check the fucking back seat and tell me I'm a liar."
Dave checked the back seat of the ute, then shrugged in Darren's direction before looking back and grabbing the spare torch that was sitting there.
"Alright, now we all have torches and it's night time. Let's go find these fuzzy bastards."
"Alright! Next stop, Koala City!"
"More like Possum City, with some Koalas."
"Whatever. You coming or what?"
"Yeah, just gonna grab another tinny first."
With another can of beer in Darren's hand, the three men entered the underbrush, torches shining up into the trees, a few stumbles along the way. Sure enough, possums were found and exclaimed at ("You beaut!"), along with some bandicoots, a wombat, and some kangaroos bounding off. No koalas though.
"Oi, Bluey, where's these fuzzy bastards at?"
"I dunno, I saw them here last month. We'll find 'em."
"Better be soon, I'm hanging for another tinny."
"They'll show up. I gotta take a piss, you go on ahead."
"Right you are, mate."
Darren and Dave moved on ahead as George wandered towards the trunk of a tree, hands dropping to his zip.
"So, Dazza, d'you think I have a chance at Shelley if I do the wine & flowers thing like Bluey says?"
"Can't hurt."
"It's just, I really like her, y'know? Shit, she's a nice piece of ass and all, but like, she's also a top sheila too."
"Yeah mate, she's alright, hey."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
Dave shone his torch up yet another tree.
"Oi! I think I see one!"
"Where?"
"Fucking back at the campsite. Where'd you think? Where my torch is, drongo."
"Yup, that's a koala. Nice one!"
"Score one to me, spotted him first. Look't that fur, I reckon that's fucking soft. Reckon Shelley would be impressed if I came back with a koala fur beanie?."
"Fuck off mate, that's a poor taste joke. Don't fuck around with vulnerable species, mate."
"Alright alright, don't get your knickers in a bunch, I was just having a laugh"
"Right, but it ain't funny, is it? Humans are pretty much killing 'em by clearing their homes, and you gonna speed up the process?"
"Keep ya shirt on, Dazza, I didn't mean nothin' by it."
*grunt*
"Where's Bluey at, anyway?"
"I dunno."
"Hey Gingernut, what's taking so long? Having trouble finding which pube's ya cock?"
*silence*
"Mate, ya hear me?"
*silence*
"Oi, Bluey!"
"Let's go back an' check."
"Yeah alright. Shame leaving the only koala we've spotted so far though."
"No worries, we'll find him quicksmart again, now we know where he is."
"Yeah."
Darren and Dave turned around and started heading back. Darren's torchlight found George first, lying on the ground.
"Mate."
"Hah hah, told him he couldn't hold his beer. Fucking lying down on the job taking a kip already."
"Mate. Look't his head."
"What? Shit. Is that blood?"
"Yeah, I think it is."
"Shit, what the fuck? He fall over on a rock or something?"
"Nah mate, there ain't no rocks near him. Shut up."
"Mate, he's not moving."
"Shut up, Dave."
Dave's torch was shining on George, but Darren's torch was up shining in the trees as he looked at each tree trunk in turn. He saw what he was looking for.
"Mate, we're in the middle of the bush and Bluey's got blood all over his ginger noggin and he's not moving."
"Shut up, Dave. Shut up, and move slower."
"What?"
"There's a drop bear in that tree."
"What? Don't pull me leg. That's just an urban legend, mate."
"No, it ain't. There's a fucking drop bear in that tree, and he got Bluey."
"Mate, that's just a koala."
"Why don't you shut up for once in your life, Dave-o, and fucking look at that bastard properly."
"...Shit. I'm not saying I believe ya, but that's a lot of blood on that koala's mouth."
"Yeah. So shut up and grab Bluey's feet so we can get out of here, nice and slow."
"Right. Shit. Right."
Dave did as he was asked, and Darren grabbed George's arms. Moving slowly, they carried George between them all the way back to the campsite and leveraged him into the backseat of the ute. Darren dumped the esky's ice water onto the campfire to put it out, and Dave climbed into the driver's seat. They left everything else behind. The drop bear watched them go from the edge of the underbrush, growled, and climbed into the nearest tree to wait for its next prey.
https://www.savethekoala.com
http://www.australiangeographic.com.au/news/2013/04/drop-bears-target-tourists,-study-says/
https://australianmuseum.net.au/drop-bear