Steve: Why is it some days so easy not to care at all, and others its all that I can think about? Does anyone have the answer?
Sonnekki: Generally, I believe that is something you have to answer for yourself. I also believe a good nights rest helps immensely.
Steve: Been giving it a good nights rest since mid January...still no answer, man...
Sonnekki: Letting go is one of the hardest things to really learn in life. The best way to let go I've found is to confront it. Talk to that person, and if that isn't possible, talk to someone who is willing to listen; really opening up is hard too.
So you broke up with someone you really liked; or maybe someone you really loved. It's not always the same story, but that same theme lingers. The days when it doesn't cross your mind pass and go. The days that it sneaks up on you and grabs your shoulder and sticks a needle full of drugs into your neck like a serial killer are the days that drag. They last forever, they stab at your heart, they take a blender and press it against your abdomen, griding harder and deeper until there's nothing left.
Those are the days that really suck, the ones that really hurt. The ones which you wish would end, but never do until you wake up, at least a little bit.
Though you might not know it, you are still holding onto something. You might deny it. "Nah, I'm totally over her", you'll say. "She's gone, its ok", you'll say. "She's with someone else now, I really don't care", you'll say.
Actually, you do care. In truth, it's not ok that she's gone. Most of all, you are totally not over her. The reason you still hurt is because you do care, along with all of these other reasons. I don't claim to know the answer because there is no absolute when it comes to letting go. Everyone's life is different, and furthermore, every relationship is different.
However, I would like to propose some enabling guidelines. These are some things that you should know, and what I think is helpful. I may be completely wrong and they are not in any sort of order, so take from it what you can get (I dated someone who could not deal with this concept; it was either right or wrong, and she only listened to the right. Who knows why I tried to stay as long as I did).
- Letting go is really hard. It isn't something that happens overnight, or over a month, or over a year. There is no set time, but you will know when you have let go. You'll feel it, even if you think you feel nothing.
- In order to let go, you must be able to feel. If you are numb, start feeling. If you can feel, half of the battle is over.
- Pour out your feelings. Spread them on a canvas; write poetry (only keep it if you like it), node on E2. Make it drasticly morbid, make it hopeful, make it hopeless, write in ALL CAPS like you're screaming. Pour out it all out, and look at the wonderful mess you create.
- Confront your feelings. Confront the person who is causing this hurt. Be honest as possible; yeah, its really hard to be completely honest (I haven't succeeded completely). If that won't happen, or is impossible, that's ok. Talk to someone who is willing to listen. This person doesn't have to be your best friend, but someone you can trust. Ask for some time with them, and warn them what you want to talk about. Let out your feelings slowly as not to dump on your talking companion. Afterwards, you'll feel better, try to set up another time or find another companion.
- Think about your feelings, give them the care they want, and them let them go. The way I do this is to think about it, take a deep breath, and think about nothing, or something else.
- Try distracting yourself by taking a trip, or getting really into your work. Find a hobby, go out to parties or hang with friends. Live a life without the person who is causing your hurt. If you are accused of avoiding, admit to it, if that's what you need, tell them to get out your life. If they don't and it becomes too much, contact the police. Put yourself out in the open to a comfortable point.
- Some people stay in their comfort zone. I like to call this the uncomfortable zone, since you're in that position because you're uncomfortable. So get out of your uncomfortable zone and become comfortable. Strike up a conversation with anybody; talk about life, talk about sex, talk about work, talk about your hobbies, talk about TV, talk about Trent Reznor (and his unending hotness) and talk about Kevin Rose (and his huge ass-ego).
I hope this helps someone, I understand if this totally doesn't help you. Think positive, think realistic, take pride in that you tried.
Whatever you do, don't take your life. It may be yours, but it is a gift.