Babel Construction(3254 BC) Ltd.
Copyright Peter Heerdegen (2006). All rights reserved.
The Client said “go let us build a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven…” (Genesis 11,4), somewhere nice on the plain of Shinar. An inexplicably jealous and insecure God smote the Main Contractors with the curse of multiple language groups and insurmountable communication difficulties. The sub-contractors all spoke different languages.
It is implausible that this was the true cause of the project’s failure. The construction industry has been chewing its beard for the last six millennia about foreign tradesmen. To this very day, the situation hasn’t changed but buildings, somehow, still get built.
Sometimes, they differ from the original drawings and specifications. Sometimes they aren’t in quite the right place. This is due largely due to their being designed by people who know about buildings, but don’t know about building.
The original drawings and specifications are sometimes little more than a cartoon and a fairy-tale, particularly when they are designed by people who are passionate about their visions. There is a word for these people. We all know what it is.
Buildings are complicated things. Putting them together would be far simpler if it was just a matter of placing brick upon brick until the desired shape was achieved, but complexity gives rise to specialised trade groups. The groups have different tasks, and so must be issued with different instructions.
Occasionally, in the sequestered cells of an Architectural practise, a chief architect will be heard to cry, “Oh Hell, we got the contract! Quick! Draw something!”
The Engineers will eventually get sent a concept statement, and a sheaf of cartoons scribbled on fag packets and restaurant menus.
“Oh God…they’re talking about light and space. They want the columns made of glass, and the beams made of something called ‘guava jelly’. Can we put reinforcing steel through guava jelly? Brian, could you look up the strain-tables for guava jelly? Brian? You OK?”
The sub-contractors, having quoted a Guaranteed Maximum Price on the strength of cartoons and fairy-tales, will already be waiting on-site, for drawings in which the dimensions and material-specifications are more specific than “To Be Advised.” With impending progress deadlines, and a workforce standing idle costing them money, they will just make a Best-Guess, and start anyway.
“Do you think they’ll be wanting electricity Jack?”
“That’s why we’re here Richard.”
“Where shall we sling the main switchboard Jack?”
“Oh...in the middle.”
“Ok Jack. I’ll get the diggers to excavate us a trench from the road to the…er…middle, and we’ll pull some cable in.”
“Richard?”
“Yeah Jack?”
“Make it a big bastard, just in case.”
Later that day, the excavators will dig up a gas main. The site and surrounding buildings will be evacuated for six hours.
There are three trillion or so possible end-combinations of pieces after the first six moves in a game of chess. Mathematicians call this a combinatorial explosion. Professional trades-people call it standard practise, in a game where people can get killed just trying to set up the board.
After a building is completed, the professional trades-people produce much better drawings called as-built drawings. These documents exhaustively describe what actually got built.
If your building leaks, don’t blame the trades-people. Blame the main contractor who said “You will build it this shape using these materials in this manner, or we will give the contract to someone else. Make sure you’re finished by deadline, or we’ll deduct $1200 dollars a day from your fee until you are. And then we will sue you.”
Many
trades-people are not surprised that some buildings leak. Sometimes they are surprised that the buildings remain upright.