From the darkness and shadow, I creep slowly into my chair. The seat is warm, as my family has been on the computer all night. Like a broken record, the day seemed like any other day, except the thoughts in my mind. Whether
dementia has gripped me, I don't know nor do I care enough to do anything about it. Maybe
hopelessness has gripped my soul, yet I live each day like it would be the last. Great ideology, but very tiresome.
With no priorities to be deal with, I slept late and woke up late. I guess it was the phone call last night that kept me awake. Old friends, keeping in touch, telling me about the
dilemmas they are experiencing. Normally, I would feel some sort of sympathy but my mind is too tired to notice the pain. Besides, compared to yesterday, today seemed like nothing at all (if you are wondering about what I'm talking about, please see
April 9, 2001 for details). I tried to sleep when I thought I should, but
insomnia or
mania gripped my mind. Like an open book in the wind, I flipped back and forth, between sleep and consciousness. I dreamed many dreams, yet none pleasant. The darkness again taunts me with its vicious nature but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I wake up, only to pick up the phone. It is the source of my dreams and nightmares. She asks to come visit yet I tell her not to. Its hard to do something like that, especially when you want her to be here. I just can't be courteous to some people right now. Moral
dilemma I suppose. After the phone call, I go back to sleep, only to stay awake for a few hours, replaying the phone call back in my mind. Free
pay-per-view I guess. Just not as entertaining but free at least. I couldn't keep myself from repeating every word, trying to remember the gentleness of her voice as it reverberated in my eardrum. How I absorbed every word as if the world depended on it. On some level, I guess it did. I did live in a small world after all, too bad I'm the only occupant.
I wake up once again, but this time I stay awake. I sit on my couch, with my remote control in my hand. Then the day seemed to pass quickly, even after making dinner. Off to the gym.
With my earphones and slow music in my ear, I do my workout. I decided to blast the arms. In actuality,
MrFurious is right. It seems like a medium for frustration. It worked wonders but I still pondered the day's events and yesterday's glory. I tried to live off the borrowed pleasantries of the past, but failed miserably. Off to the arcades I guess.
After
DDR and an airplane game, off for my
slurpee. As we head over to the nearest
7-11, I still was on a downhill slide but that was okay with me. I would be home soon.
Home. No one awake, but myself. After a game of
Starcraft, I was left alone again. To think. To feel. To wonder about what is to be and what was. The dark grabbed me like a claw. I couldn't escape its cold grasp, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave. It was a familiar companion, for nights past and for nights to come. Off the phone, I sat here, with my garlic flavored peanuts, and my melting slurpee on my desk. My left arm sore, almost in as much pain as my eyes, as I have been deprived of sleep for the past week. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I should just stop hoping.
Do not worry for me. I no longer worry about myself. I have no patience yet have all the time in the world. To drift slowly, a leaf in a hurricane, to be tossed around by forces beyond my control. I sniffle slightly, as the sound of my nose echoes through the hallway. How peaceful it sounds.
I blink slowly, to moisturize my dry eyes. I place my hands on my stomach, and feel as I breathe in and breathe out. I feel myself succumbing to fatigue and exhaustion but I know that I will not sleep. It will be a night like any other, and for once I will try to stay awake. Maybe then will I be allowed to sleep.
Do not search for me in the darkness, as you will not find me. I no longer have the ability for hope. I know that you do. If you care as you say you do, have hope. Reach out from your warm surroundings and reach your arms out to the cold darkness. I will know its you, and I will reach my hand out to you. Do not be afraid. Do not flinch. I will not hurt you. Not as much as you have hurt me.