Once again, I find myself here, by the computer, alone in the dark. With the halogen light off, and no one in the house awake, I find myself listening to the slight hum of the hard drive working, with the constant tapping of the keys. Of course the best way to stop would be to sleep, but again, thats something out of my control.

I guess, like any other day, my day started at midnight. And once again, it starts with a phone call. Ring my phone says. I pick up and say Moshi Moshi and chat for a few hours. Either my senility is getting to me or my lingering depression is hitting me as even female voices are beginning to infuriate me as well. Constant small talk, no content. Sounds like my brain when I'm asleep. Little voices, like gnomes, working in the garden, bickering like married couples about absolutely nothing important. But somehow, I still feel solace in helping a lady friend in need. But my sleep is dwindling as we speak. I always thought to myself that I should speak no words so I can tell no lie, yet I can't help myself. I'm lying to a person so dear to me, yet I can't stop. One of these days, my subconscious will kick the stuffing out of my conscious mind.

Again, I feel the concern my friends feel for me. They fear that I have gone over the edge. Self destructive. Suicidal. Maybe I am, but something time will tell. The human spirit toils with trials and tribulations. My spirit is willing yet the flesh is weak. When I can move my feet, my spirit leaves me for a destination far away, where even I can find it. How uncouth. While I long to be able to express my gratitude to my friends, I see no way to show it. Maybe I've been in the light too long. Maybe its not my brain that has burned out. Maybe its my eyes, as it feels like I can no longer see. Or maybe I've grown up, and I'm just not willing to admit it. It makes me want to cry, it makes me want to die. It makes me want to glide into the abyss. I try to sleep, but my body betrays my mind. I stay awake into the morning, sobbing quietly. I guess I should do it more often. Maybe my own sniveling has made my body have pity on my mind.

I awoke to the sweating of my brow. Another nightmare. I'm good. Four days in a row. God must have blessed me to have gone through this much turmoil. Off to work

Work becomes a plethora of eye candy and a medium for the adverse effects of lack of sleep. Off to home.

Home becomes a 8 letter word: Computer. I live and breathe my computer now, almost a routine. I reach down, place my headset on my ear, and talk to people on the phone while they are online at the same time. How sad. I've been so needy that I need to hear their voice and digital self. What hurts is that they don't say anything much interesting. Maybe they have found out that I am better online because they don't have to hear my squeaky voice or contradicting tone. Its the best thing for one's morale. You should try it one of these days.

Out for bubble tea with a lady friend. Lovely lady, with gracious personality. Its nice to have an opportunity to hang out with someone lovely and interesting once in a while. While comments about my physiological obesity hurts my feelings, I guess I have to take it with the whole package. I rather have the ribbon on the present rather than to see the package through the store window. How sad.

Then off to the arcade with MrFurious. Typical evening, with thrills, chills and spills. Except I drove this time.

This leads up to now. I always knew that everything wasn't supposed to be easy. I knew that karma existed. But I never understood why I work so hard and all I get is gratitude and I'm supposed to be happy about it. Again, I try to speak no words and tell no lies.

I seek to find solitude in the darkness, where everything is uniform. I seek to be the shadow, so that if the object was to fall, I would come back into the darkness, waiting for the next object to come. I seek to hide from the light, the light that blinds us, not allowing us to see the truth. While darkness is cold, I rather freeze in peace than die with the fury of the heavens.