The silence of the night encompasses me. Nothing makes a sound in the room. My eyes weigh like lead, threatening to fall upon each other at a moment's notice, only to taunt me with the premise with a good night's sleep. Today's events have been simple, yet enough to push me over the edge.
The feeling of being loved and wanted passes so much, so quickly. Numbness seems to last longer. Suffering from repressed anger and other mental illnesses incurred as a result of stress, I find myself having trouble sleeping. I went to sleep, still feeling the glow of the sweetness of one special lady friend. But again, I have to fight against the other problems. Fatigue. Tiredness. Interesting. Finally, I get comfortable enough to sleep.
Sleep dwindles like sands in an hourglass. My sleep seems like floating on shallow water. Calm, cool and steady. Until it shakes when the wave breaks. I am half awake, not awake enough to move my body but enough to hear what people are saying. I say no words, speak no lies. I wanted to hear what they thought. My family complains about how I need to take control in my life. I try to but "she" comes to me. She always did. Lately, she's been lying. About how she tells me that she loves me. How we were to be together. Why we had to be together. What life we would make I say no words, speak no lies. I lie still, making sure that I'm inconspicuous. I try as hard as I must, but I feel my nose sniffling. I can't hold back anymore as a single tear runs down my right eye. I lick it off my cheek. Its almost sweet. Maybe its a sign.
I hear the barrage of comments about being responsible from my older sister. I speak no words, tell no lies. She can't understand. She won't understand. Simply, she doesnt' want to understand. I take it all as I walk through the door to go to work.
Step by step, breath by breath, I get off my bus stop. No one was around. I started singing to myself, hoping that I could make myself feel better. I almost lose my composure. Almost. Back to work I am again. First of a three day stretch, at least I get money.
Work is easy. Not even tiring. Maybe that is what
Ativan does for you. My brain is numb. So is my body. But what thoughts do come out disturb me. I need to know what lies beneath. I need an ending. I seek not an answer nor a solution. I seek an ending.
I didn't ask for a ride home but I got one. I was going to pick up a lady friend from her birthday party but I wasn't able to because my transportation has been not available to me for a while. So home I go. The silence continues. I still say nothing to them. I wait for them to say something to me but its like waiting for your own death. You shouldn't wait for it. You should dictate when it should happen. I walk out.
Dungeons and Dragons is the game of choice for today. Too bad. Maybe someday, I can convince
MrFurious to play the game. But after an hour, I go back home. They're all asleep. At least in their own rooms. Hope that I wake up for work tomorrow. Back on the phone. My friend hangs up and tells me she'll phone me back. I don't think she will now. But I still sit here. I hope that I will be able to sleep soon. I don't think I like being awake anymore.
I've had a taste of the light. It felt nice to my touch but it melted part of my icy soul. I try to pick up and bring that part of me back into myself, but the more I hold it, the more I lose of myself. I hide back into the darkness, where it welcomes me.
I have no need for love anymore. Nor for a need for compassion and hope. I just need a reason. A good enough to reason to stay. Like love, I will not seek it. If I'm lucky enough, it will come in time. If not, I won't feel a thing.
I whisper words in the wind, hoping that you would hear them. The wind creates sounds that I perceive as your voice, telling me that you don't love me. Yet, to me, at least for the meanwhile, its good enough. I have no choice. I look for a reason to stay. You are a reason to go and a reason to stay. I've been in the light too long. I can no longer see clearly. I will go back into the darkness. At least there I know where I'm going, where I'm heading. There is no difference, no direction in the darkness. Lead me to you. If you want me, I will not go into the light. Come find me in the darkness. Then, can we be together, frozen in time.