It's been a while I suppose, since the last
daynode, but, I don't really have much time lately. I try to make some time, but its not really helping right now. People are asking me for my time but I can't. I know I can't be everywhere for everybody at all times but I feel bad anyways. I'm not really sure if this is a bad thing, but for now, its not really important.
For the first time in weeks, I feel the darkness surround me, like a shroud hanging over my head. The time for thinking has come back, though I wish it hadn't. I'm
afraid to go back to the state I was before, where I was not content with my life and always
yearning for the idealistic, romantic love that I always dreamed of. Funny in a way.
I've been talking to the sweetest people recently. One is a young lady, sweet in voice and sweet in heart. Everything seems to click into place, like a
jigsaw puzzle. She makes me feel comfortable in every way possible and I'm starting to even hoping that she'd call. How a blessing can be a boon. Her gentleness has given me the positivity that I have sorely needed for the longest time. But at the same time, our time is limited, and contact even moreso. She's also quite a bit younger than me, which sometimes leads me to debate within myself whether she's really mature for her age or I'm really immature for mine. Ideally, the age gap simply wouldn't exist nor matter but its not the reality that exists. While the age gap doesn't matter to me, I never did ask if it mattered otherwise. What am I supposed to say. No words express the gratitude that I have yet I somehow hope that she understands. I suppose I rather have it this way rater than have no contact in the first place, but it doesn't make things any easier to deal with.
The other is another sweet lady but closer to my age. While definitely not as
tender and
caring, she is different. Funny. She thought I liked her. Something made me think it was the other way around. But realistically, I just don't give it another thought. I just feel completely
divine right now, being
blessed with their presence.
I've started writing my creative writing again.
Poetry from a
hopeless romantic, with a deep emphasis on
hopeless. Granted, its not as dreary as it was before, but the content nevertheless is the same. Even my vocabulary is becoming limited, with my mind almost assuming that rhyming is better. Most people would
beg to differ and I would probably agree.
Tomorrow, I hope will be a great day. I have an
appointment with the one of the aforementioned ladies. I haven't been this excited in a long time. I've been a nervous wreck, thinking of a way for her to remember me. I always did have a fear of being
forgotten, to simply be a shadow, or not unlike a background noise that people seem to think is annoying. But, with my limited time frame, I hope that I have come up with something to apease her for now. All I can do now is pray.
I haven't been sleeping much lately. Just started this whole thinking thing again, and been on the phone lots. Funny too. I think I'm starting to get my headaches again. 15 hours on a cell phone in three days will do that for you. But, I rather have a tumor than not talk to the people who have made time to call me. What can I say. Ultimately, I will be alone, but for now, let me bask in the sunlight that only companionship brings.
Now, I'm here, in the darkness. There is no music, only the sound of the
keyboard and the feeling of my joints as I press down on each separate key. It's a cold evening, and I yearn to be warm but my state of thinking has drained me. Am I to go back to the gloominess? I hope not. Being in the darkness for so long, I got used to it. But after seeing the light, let me stay...even for just a little while longer.
"I search for the one which understands me, and comforts me. She needs not say perfect things or do anything that I love. Her existence simply gives me happiness and hope. A smile gives me ecstacy, her touch gives a wave of
euphoria. I gaze into her eyes and simply find the comfort I need, knowing that her love will keep me safe...."