I can't believe it... she's convinced me.
My beloved is from the US, from Oregon, and I'm not. While
this hasn't been a problem until now, the problem was bound to surface
some day, and it finally has.
We met in old Mehico... She came down to study my language;
I am here doing my Master's in applied mathematics. She had a hard
time with the language, with the culture, with the people, with the
bullshit, but she stayed another semester and moved in with me. We
speak of the world, of languages, of the places we want to see and the
things we want to do.
But reality has hit us now. She's tied down to her country for a
while. Student loans, student debt, difficulties with language, plus
less practical things like friends and family and familiarity. Fair
enough. She's already spent a year in my land, with me, with my
countrymen, with my not-so welcoming family, and now, it seems, it's
my turn to spend time in her land, probably much longer time, probably
continue the next step of my studies there. Also sounds fair...
Except it wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't want to live in the
US. I would feel like a Gaul visiting Rome, like an Indian visiting
London, like a Korean in Beijing, an Incan in Castille... you know
what I mean, right?
*sigh* Hear me out. Every day, every single day, I
can turn to the news and hear about the latest atrocities the US is
committing around the world. I also hear about its relationship to my
own country, about what it plans to do to other Mexicans there, about
the Great Wall of Mexico it's building, about
how offensive it is to hear non-English
languages spoken in the US...
And now, moving there... moving to the country that gets rich by being
constantly at war with whomever it can find war, who spends more on
"defense" alone than the combined GDP of
several well-off countries. Being part of a "minority", part of an
ethnic group that is causing lots of political unrest, being told
"your English is very good" or "you have no accent" only to
reflexively reply "Thanks, so is yours" or "everyone has an accent!"
Yes, it's nice, yes it's cleaner, yes it's wealthier, yes things there
work better, people are friendlier, there's less bureaucracy, but I
can't shake off the feeling that it's all blood money. I don't want
any of that money, or feeling in any way indebted to a government whose
every action I deplore. It doesn't feel moral; it doesn't feel
right. Individually, many, by now most of the people there
are very nice; you noders are living proof of it, but living there
means I would have to deal with the bureaucracy, means I would have to
hear every three minutes in airports what the terror alert level is,
to have to beg to the government to finance my studies and then
seemingly be so overcome with gratitude that I should forget how to
speak my mother language and stop complaining that the food there
doesn't quite taste the way I would like it. It's not that I can't adapt, it's just that I don't like the terms under
which I may be required to adapt.
And it wasn't in my plans to go there anyways. The world is big, and I
am small, and I thought that I need to go many other places in order
to learn more about it. I want to live, not visit,
live in India, Russia, Norway, somewhere in Africa, perhaps
also in Australia, Japan, live in those countries, make my
damndest best effort to learn the language, because if eliserh can
speak scores of languages, so can I, because a language is a culture
and people to learn, and because the US has nothing further to give me
than the twelve years of education it has already given me in
an American school in Mexico City
Needless to say, none of this rant went very well with my girlfriend...
We argued, we struggled, we didn't sleep, she cried; I felt like those first-class heels in the Looney Tunes cartoons,
and by her own words, I couldn't get over my own damn racism to want
to be with her.
The sun set on our argument... and it rose again... and she still
wasn't talking to me.
Oh shit...
Okay, fine. I'm sorry. Berkeley. University of
Chicago. NYU. Anything in Boston. I'll try it. I'll do it. Berkeley
gave us BSD and LSD, so it must be good. The people are
nice. I want to meet your friends and your family. I'll do it. I'll
probably love it once I'm there.
So, dear friends... it looks like contrary to what I've thought for a
good part of my life, I've finally found a reason compelling enough to
live where I never thought I would live. I'm looking forward to be a
little closer to many of you.
Love,
Swap