How to perform the act:
Extend forefinger (the one you use to point at things with), ensuring other fingers are bunched up to keep them out of the way.
Insert into either nostril and start digging.
Once you have managed to hook the offending obstruction, extract carefully, so as not to dislodge it from your finger and leave it hanging from your nose.
Wipe snot encrusted finger in a non offensive position where you are not likely to find it again (more on this shortly).
The best nose-picking locations:
In the car.
One of the better, and
most commonly used positions for
extracting bogies is in the car. Most people
make the mistake of performing this
private, and
somewhat embarrassing act in
broad daylight. Somehow these people think that once inside their vehicle
they are invisible.
Do not do this. This act is
best performed at
night time. Next time you are
driving at night, take a look at the
drivers of the other cars
approaching you - you cannot see them because it is dark inside their cars, and their
headlights dazzle you. You can therefore
assume nobody can see you, unless there is a car behind you. In this situation, you can be spotted because your
silhouette can be seen, or the inside of your car is
lit up by their headlights, making you
visible to
oncoming cars.
In an elevator/lift:
Sometimes an
elevator/
lift can be used for this
art form, if you are in there alone. First
survey the enclosure for
hidden cameras, or you will find that you are on the next
Real TV episode, or
emailed to the world in
MPEG format. Ensure you are travelling
several floors, and that if, during your trip to
another floor, the lift starts slowing to pick up
another passenger, you are able to stop what you are doing and ensure any
sticky residue is removed prior to them
alighting.
On the toilet:
This is where you can ensure you are
not disturbed, and have an
ample supply of wiping-upon material. Just make sure you
don’t touch anything you shouldn’t before
going for gold, as germs can be transmitted through your nose quickly to your
lungs or even to
your brain. Not pleasant.
In public:
It is
very difficult to be
discrete about
nasal-reaming when there are
possible spectators. This is best
left to the experts. A couple of tricks to try, however, are to bend down and pretend to
tie your shoelace, during this time anyone looking will only see
the back of your head, and you’ll have time for
a quick dig. Try covering your nose with a
handkerchief pretending to blow it, whilst the other is behind it having a
covert fossick.
Where to wipe:
It is best to wipe your
discoveries somewhere
hygienic, and safe from being found again.
Mucus in the nose can harbour germs that
your body has expelled, or ones that have got caught in the
sticky mess on their way into your lungs. I
highly recommend not eating this filth, it is a dirty habit, and
not very pleasant to watch, let alone
partake in.
The car:
It is difficult to find an
acceptable receptacle for your
unwanted crustaceans. Your best bet is to wind down the window and
flick them at passing cars or
pedestrians. Not only does this allow you to
dispose of said waste, but also acts as a
form of entertainment. An alternative is to find a piece of
rubbish on the floor of the car, such as
an old serviette or tissue, otherwise simply wipe it under the seat (you’ll need to ensure you
chip them off the next time you
vacuum the car).
In an elevator/lift:
Often the
walls of a lift are carpeted, and offer a good
abrasive surface to rid your finger of
unwanted stickiness. There is also usually a
handrail, under which can be hidden your
nose-trophies. Just be sure not to put your hand under there
in future.
On the toilet:
As stated earlier, there is
sufficient absorbent material at hand to use for removal of
nose-soil, but if you are
feeling particularly naughty, you could always use the
potplant, or the
stupid macramé doll that your auntie gave you to cover the spare toilet roll.
In public:
Depending upon the
circumstances, there is a
plethora of sites upon which to wipe your
crusty extractions. These can range from
the floor, to
under a table, to
the back of someone’s shirt. Be
adventurous, be resourceful, see how many you can
flick into somebody’s coffee without being noticed.