Well,
this weekend is finally over. There are but a few noders still snoozing at my house, but I think only one will still be there when I get home from work. My mind is tired but I smile a lot when I think back on the last 3 days.
I was
the denmother the entire time, but people didn't seem to mind that they were being fawned over.
It makes me happy when something I do can make others happy, even if it's as simple as giving them all a place to crash for a weekend out of town. I think we all just really need that now and then, and I think we need it more frequently, like once a month. I didn't get to talk to many people that came one on one, but I think it's safe to say that we need these times because we don't always know what we want, how to get it and where we're going in life.
This weekend I spent talking to other people, making sure they were having a good time, that no one got lost or left behind. It felt good to have people around me, but as always after they're all gone I feel empty and sad for a few days. I want these people to be around more, but then there's that worry that if it weren't for obstacles we undertake to see one another, we may not have anything to talk about. We are so spread out and far apart, yet linked with an irony of closeness here.
One question has been running through my mind, one that I don't like asking: Is this all there is? I've been asking myself that for years, it seems, and I long so badly to have something happen that makes me not ask this question any more. If I were a camera capturing the world through my eyes, it would be zooming in and out on what's in front of it that people in the theater would get motion sickness and stomp out, demanding a refund. I don't know what it is, if it's because of something done to me by my environment, or something I did to myself that I didn't expect, or if it's something far simpler than it seems. I feel like I need to step out into lonleiness, out into real isolation, something.
I do not know where any of this is going.