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I know I wasn't the only one, as a kid with nothing to do, to construct elaborate fortresses of pillows, blankets, and couch cushions to fight a war with my dad or a couple friends. Much to the annoyance of my mother, I would make cushion strongholds that took up the whole living room, and sometimes spilling over into the hallway, bedrooms, and kitchen. I'd roll up all my socks and throw them like make-believe grenades, causing my friends to hastily retreat into their flimsy bunkers. So it is on that note that I shall attempt to make a guide to building one of these fluffy fortifications so that you may share in the bittersweet nostalgic memories of pelting your children with rolled up socks.

What you need:

  • All the pillows, cushions, and blankets in the house.
  • Ammo, of course. Roll up lots and lots of socks. Check those dryers and dig deep into the abyss of your sock drawer.
  • Time. It can take some time to make these things. I suggest making one on a lazy Sunday afternoon when you simply have nothing better to do.
  • Patience. It's like building a house of cards, only fluffier and with less papercuts.
Assuming you have all of the materials required, you can now start building your fortress!
  1. Use the couch cushions for support and structure, as they're usually the most rigid. If they don't stay up on their own, supplement them with stable, stationary objects such as the back of a kitchen chair, a reclined La-Z-Boy, or a fan.
  2. After you've got a basic structure made of cushions and other miscellaneous home furnishings, you can stack some pillows wherever you prefer as added reinforcement or emergency hand-to-hand combat weapons. Y'know, just in case they get past your main fortifications. Which they won't.
  3. Use the sheets/blankets as a roof. They'll be protecting you from grenade-socks, so make sure they won't cave in on you in the middle of a battle by stretching them over your cushion structure and anchoring them with pillows or cushions.
  4. Man the harpoons (Figuratively, of course. This is a family-friendly activity. No whales need be harmed in the construction of this fort). Use any socks you can find, and roll 'em up. The more, the merrier, as they say. Sweaty P.E. socks have the added effect of not actually having to act horrified when you're hit with one.
Now that you've got your entrenchment prepared for the ensuing encroachment, you can either:
  • Sneak up on someone, lay down a barrage of socks, and run like hell back to base before they figure out what just happened
  • Repeat steps 1-4 to make another fortress, divide the socks equally, and lay siege upon their puny forces.


Inspiration for this node comes from the wonderful xkcd webcomic