Thanks in part to a changing economic climate that favors sanitized, corporate endorsed entertainment, as well as the fear of reprisals by humorless terrorists, the circus does not come to town as often as it once did. The idyllic scene of a private, family owned circus pulling into small town America and providing smiles and cotton candy to wide-eyed children is fast becoming a thing of the past. In today's America, and in many of her satellite states such as Poland and Great Britain, those who once found work in these travelling "big tops" are on the unemployment line.
While animal trainers turn to Las Vegas and pseudo-safaris for bored wealthy people, and trapeze artists go into internet pornography, it is the clowns who are left out in the cold. Struggling through job interviews where their white make-up and repertoire of humorous noises meet with a cold stare, more and more of these clowns are turning to alcohol as a way to ease the emptiness growing inside them. According to an unnamed source, at least 80% of unemployed clowns are hitting the bottle in a big way. As a result, many find themselves sleeping in alleys, train stations and public parks where they are ritually beaten by roving gangs and corrupt police officers.
Seeing the need for a solution to this growing problem, Margaret Manfried of the Northeast Children's Home began a program in 2003 called "Clowns for Kids." The program brought many of these out of work alcoholic clowns in contact with children who were sick, without family or severely mentally imbalanced. The results were mixed. Many of these clowns brought small bottles or canteens filled with liquor to the children's home and snuck nips in between meeting children. While some of the clowns performed to the delight of the children, others expectorated on the children or flat out vomited, after which most refused to apologize and then went on a tirade about how they were victims of the system.
"I tried to put a program in place that would benefit not only the children, but these destitute clowns. In many cases the situation got out of hand and I was fired by the Northeast Children's Home. Later I was arrested for prostitution and selling crack cocaine. I am appealing the conviction."
--Margaret Manfried, Clowns for Kids
Unconfirmed reports in the U.S. claim that Homeland Security has gotten involved in trying to help these clowns. According to unnamed sources, dozens of these clowns have been hired to infiltrate terrorist cells. While some question the ability of alcoholic clowns to blend into organizations where there is no place for humor, make-up or booze, one of our unnamed sources shrugged and said, "We've tried everything else."
A group of British clowns was hardest hit by the growing backlash against out of work alcoholic clowns. Six of these unfortunate souls were kicked to death in Manchester, with hobnail boots in broad daylight, and their bodies were set ablaze under a sign, "No patience for weirdos." Authorities are still investigating.
Other programs have been on the rise, especially in the northeastern United States, where Jeffrey Adamaski has founded the Laughter Lives program to rescue unemployed clowns and find work for them in the community.
"The American northeast is one of the few remaining bastions of progressive thought in the country, and I felt something needed to be done before the current administration carried through with its plans for concentration camps for unemployed clowns."
--Jeffrey Adamaski, Laughter Lives
To his credit, Adamaski has found jobs for over three hundred unemployed clowns. Detractors will point out that over half of these jobs are unpaid, volunteer jobs that only add to the clowns' frustration and desire for alcoholic beverages. One clown, Maggie MacGiggles, who works as entertainment in a biker bar in Maine, did not have much good to say about Adamaski's program.
"Adamaski, who I prefer to call 'I'm an asshole,' got me this 'job,' sure. You want to know what kind of gig this is? A shit gig. I get paid in booze and hamburgers. I get my ass grabbed by drunk bikers all night long. In order to pay my rent I have to go down on at least six of those motherfuckers every night after last call. When I told Adamaski what was going on he sent me some pamphlets on saving the rainforest."
--Maggie MacGiggles, Clown
Is there an answer for the growing problem of out of work alcoholic clowns? At this point it is hard to say. Perhaps we simply need to extend a hand of understanding and kindness to these hard luck cases. Maybe the next time you see one passed out in a bus station you could wake him up and offer him a couple hundred dollars to entertain at your child's next birthday party. Maybe you could buy him or her a nice Cobb salad and a Dr. Pepper at the food court of a nearby mall. Lend a hand. Help a clown. If you don't, who will?