What to do when Alzheimer’s strikes

My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 6 years ago, at age 55. There are two things I wish I had known at the time, which I believe would have lessened my grief.

These first days of shock and grief are nearly unbearable. You are grieving the loss of your plans and dreams for the future. You can't avoid this grief; you must accept it. What you can do, however, is avoid unnecessary painful thoughts.

1. Stay away from the internet for those first few days.

   I am definitely one to rush to the internet to find out more about a difficulty. Termites? Here's who to call! Hangnails? Here's what to do! Usually I find that having more information solves or at least helps a situation. This is not so with Alzheimer’s.

   1. Do not look up information about Alzheimer’s.

      You already have a good idea of what Alzheimer’s is and does. If anything, the facts are probably worse than you imagine. Why put yourself through that now? Do you really need to know the details of what will happen 5 years from now? How will that help? There will be plenty of time later on to learn about the disease and research treatment options. But the treatments currently available will be of little comfort to you today; there is no cure.

   2. Do not look up Alzheimer’s support groups.

      The people corresponding here are in a different place than you. They have worked through the initial grief and the early years and are matter-of-factly trying to find support and answers for their day-to-day problems. But their descriptions of the problems will be frightening to someone who is not there yet.

   Why is this? Why should you not inform yourself as soon as possible about what will happen? The first reason is practical:

   1. It won't seem so bad at the time.

      You probably won’t believe me, but one way or another, you will be able to handle the day-to-day problems that arise. Not that it will be fun, but it will not be as terrible as it all seems at the beginning. I remember grieving those first few days that someday my own mother would not know me, and I also remember that when it did happen, it was no big deal. I don't think I was even sad about it; it just didn't matter all that much.

      The second reason is more philosophical:

   2. You can't handle it.

      A great man once said, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." There is enough to grieve today, the death of your dreams for a long future with your loved one, without grieving over events years ahead. You are not required to suffer every sorrow of the next 10 years today; only bear today's sorrow today.

   Which brings me to the second thing I wished I had known:

2. You will smile again.

   You will have happy days. The three best days of my life all happened after the diagnosis, which was by far the worst day of my life. One of those days was less than two months after diagnosis. Am I a shallow person, that I seemingly shrugged off this pain so quickly? The opposite, I hope. This disease will change your life, and not entirely for the worse.

One last tip: have someone you love read you a funny book before you go to bed. Bill Bryson's "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" got me to sleep that night. I will be forever grateful to him, and to the person with the courage to read it to me.