I really don’t know how to deal with things, anymore. How to deal with friends, family, or the rift growing between
Jessica and I.
How to deal with the fact that I am seemingly incapable of handling myself in any given situation, be it
finding a job, or having a nice, stable,
healthy relationship.
I’ve given
Jes and
my relationship a very wide berth in my writing, mostly because she reads it, as far as I’m aware. I imagine she’s read most of
everything I’ve ever written, and will continue to read anything written on a regular basis.
I haven’t avoided the subject out of fear that
she’d get upset at me, or that
the world would gasp in horror... I just haven’t seen the need. It’s never been such a hot topic with me that it’s something I
need to
express, except in the cases where it’s been positive. “
Oh my god, I love Jessica soooo much” – That kind of thing.
Now, it’s different, I suppose.
I don’t want to
bitch, or
rant. I’m just thinking in words, I suppose.
...
“Have you got
a crush on someone else?”
I opened my eyes, and strained to see her face in the moonlight. “
What?”
“Have you got a crush on someone else?”
Even in the
darkness, I blinked, mostly out of confusion. “No.” I asked her why she’d think that.
“It just feels that way to me, sometimes. Like
your head isn’t here and
your heart doesn’t care.”
...
I don’t know if Jessica and I are going to
make it.
There. It’s written, it’s said, it’s out. I don’t know.
I can’t know if she’s has the same thoughts, but I imagine she has. We’ve been constantly fighting, these past few months. I love her, truly, but I don’t know if that’s enough.
Relationships take
work, and
sacrifice, and it seems that neither of us has both to give.
She’s not happy. And I don’t know how to resolve that. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to change to make our relationship like it was
nine months ago, how to make it all
light, and l
aughter.
Not that I think breaking up would make her happy, especially not short-term... Although it seems that I’ve been a poor
judge of that area, as of late.
...
Only recently have I taken notice as to the way friends treat our relationship.
Rose and I fought the other day, because I confronted her about rumors I heard of her telling stories of
domestic violence in our relationship.
Although, at least in this rumor, things were interesting. I was the
abused, not the
abuser.
She got upset, and broke off the
conversation, citing how
I’ve changed, how
she can never talk to me anymore, how she thinks the perceived abuse in my relationship with Jessica is ‘
sick.’
Even
Christo expressed disbelief at my professions that there’s no abuse, in either direction.
...
I’ve felt
sick, the last few days. Been sick, even. It’s like there’s an infection the
middle of me, something
slowly going bad inside, trying to take the rest me with it. The last few days have not been
fun.
The first snow of the year, friends, family, nothing. Nothing’s been inspiring, nothing’s been
magic, nothing’s been true. Except for
her, except for those moments when she doesn’t know I’m looking at
her, and she’s not guarded, she’s not looking at me with what might be
contempt.
I still love her... It seems as if I’m not what she wants, though, not anymore. She doesn’t seem to have the same
patience with me, and it seems hardly a day goes by where I’m not scared of doing something
wrong, of offending her or making her angry, of being a ‘
bad boyfriend’...
If this seems a little
unfair, or
one-sided, that’s because
it is. I don’t know what she’s thinking, and it’s rare when she’ll tell me what she’s feeling. This is my perception of the situation. To say I’m unbiased would be
a poor lie indeed.
...
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
We’re supposed to move out together, potentially with
Charles, come
January.
(It occurs to me that the last time I was supposed to move in with Charles, it was him, myself, and my then-girlfriend Karen. We broke up shortly beforehand.) I fear that this may not be
the smart thing to do, and I fear that it’s the
lack of space, and constantly being in the same spaces that’s
aggravating the situation.
If I were an
observer to this situation, I’d definitely counsel Jairus not to move in with Jessica. Work at the relationship, yes. Try and
preserve what you have, try and
make things work, yes.
Love is beautiful and rare, and Jessica is
everything to me... And I think if I don’t take steps to preserve that now, and repair what’s been slowly falling apart, there will be no
Jairus And Jessica.
It might be best if Charles and Jessica got a place together, and I got one alone, on a
month-to-month basis, until we see what happens. I don’t know.
...
If something isn’t done soon, Jessica and I will
destroy each other, and our relationship.
Of this, I have no doubt.
However, by attempting to do something, we may very well destroy it regardless, except much more painfully. It’s a chance worth taking, obviously... I want to save what we have, and
I want her to want it too...
But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it.