I came upon the simple
realization today that I'm profoundly
unhappy with my
life.
I'm not sure this is something I want to delve into - but it's relatively simple: I don't have a lot of joy these days. I'm working towards nothing that I believe in... I have dreams that I can find no desire to work towards... Everything I do seems to be the same as the things I did before... And the people that I love seem to be slowly driving me insane.
I feel completely and totally disassociated today - I was walking by the Empire State Building with one of my closest friends and his lover when he began to exclaim loudly how stupid going up in the building was... you know: to the tip top - to the tourist locale.
All I could think of was the faces of people around us - it's Saturday in lower Midtown, and we're wedged between the Empire State Building and the Manhattan Mall... who else is going to be there but tourists...? People who came to my new home purely for the purpose of enjoying themselves - a home that I truly love and find immense beauty in... probably the only part of my life that I'm actually happy with now... And fuck it - if their presence in Midtown on a Saturday riding an elevator to the top of a building that was once the tallest in the world gives them joy, who the fuck are we to take that away from them? Actual - honest - pure joy seems like such a rare commodity these days... I haven't seen it lying around for the taking lately, and I wouldn't mind having a small pocket of it tucked away - and it used to be so easy for me to acquire, from hand to mouth even...
It seems like this last year following graduation I've been waiting for something to believe in... I've lost most of my faith in interpersonal relationships - I've given up the idea of love, or on sexuality being remotely satisfying outside some skincrawling ephemeral context. I've grown more attached to humanity as a whole - more interested in the intentionality of action, but can't abide the personal connection that would be required to experience that first hand... I've become someone who watches everyone around them and wants to be so completely annonymous that no one would ever bat an eye my way...