In the darkness, a fire is kindled.
Motivation is a strange thing. I've always been labelled as lazy;
bone idle it said on one of my first school reports. One my parents have kept and one my
father used to delight in showing me by way of a reminder that I'll probably
never change. I've proved him wrong on many other
expectations though,
why not this one?. This writeup in itself is to be a testament to the final reversal of my worst vice. Even if I don't start writing again (after this long hiatus), I'm determined to do something.
Some of my
ambitions require money- learning to fly a helicopter, for example. It's something I will do, when I'm earning a little more. Even taking up fencing again requires more money and effort than I currently want to regularly lay out. But the
small things I've stopped doing. Reading; I've been bogged down in
Don DeLillo's
White Noise for a while now. It's not difficult, but not much has happened in the first third and I've stalled.
Small things like that need to be freed up.
The feeling is always there that
time is flying past. Rushing faster each day, a speed that means I can't seem to fully utilise it. There are so many things to learn, and read and skills to practise. I feel I should be doing them all, all the time, and in the end,
end up doing nothing. Playing computer games to gain some skills against my friends for another day -
a waste of time? Reading some forums I frequent - a
borderline social event I enjoy, but that it's impossible to fully keep up with. Talking to people on MSN - there's always
someone there.
Arranging the night's entertainment. When am I supposed to read? Or even draw, another skill I'd like to
rekindle that's been
utterly lost. I was inspired a few years ago by
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!, but never actually did anything about it (except
teach myself to pick locks, which, thinking about it now, was a start).
Many people fail at keeping fit, because of the regular effort and
commitment required there -- and a regular gym routine
is something I've managed to establish recently. Another good sign.
Good.
My work colleagues would say I'm lazy at work too, but this is a seperate issue. Once I sort being lazy about learning things I want, I'll look into finding
motivation for things I don't want to do already...
This writeup, pored over, also shows how far my writing has fallen. It was never good. But it was better. It can improve too.