I lost. And she so totally won. It's a game to her, I think. To see if she can crush guys. She sure broke me. I'm never, ever going to get over her. Ever. She curses me out. She toyed with my heart for a whole year. She played me constantly, seeing how much of her whiney grumpiness I could stand, probably laughing inside each time I tried to make it better. Assuming it was somehow my fault she couldn't even have fun in Las Vegas or at Disneyland. Not even when with the person she said "I love you" to just the night before. And still I cannot stop loving her. I can't stop forgiving her, even though
she's probably pure evil.
I'm sitting here, and while this cute college girl
who lives just a few blocks away is chatting with me and
trying to get to know me, and sounding normal, I'm still
writing this. And she's cute and nice and not manic depressive or nuts, and still I do this.
I'll probably end up picking her up in my convertible
tomorrow night, driving her down to my favorite park by
my favorite beach, and ride the swings with her as we
talk and smoke. And maybe I'm experienced enough now to
know how to get a nice kiss out of it, too. And I'll be
happy she's not some slut like my ex, and she won't be
rolling around in the sand with me all night long or anything. And she'll be respectable. But I'll still miss the ex. Because she's so embedded in my heart right now.
As if cupid took out a soldering iron and scratched her name in there long ago.
And on Saturday a girl I dated before I met my ex, and whom I really liked a lot, will probably drive down from Los Angeles to visit me and try to pick up where we left off a year ago. That's something she's expressed to me a lot lately in her e-mails. I'll probably eat a nice candlelit dinner with her on the brand new dining room
table I bought to make my apartment more like a home before my ex was going to move in. And I might smile at my date and make out with her a little or maybe even she'll spend the night. But I'll still think about how tricked and betrayed I was to think my ex was going to move in, and that was the only reason I had that table.
And one of my best friends started pouring her heart out to me lately about being unsatisfied in her current relationship. And she started saying stuff that suddenly got me thinking about her lustfully for the first time in about 4 years. And it seems like if I wanted
I could end up with her. Something I never said I wanted to do, but after stories she told me last night I kinda think I wanna try. And I think she might be interested too, maybe. But I keep thinking about that damned ex when I think about my friend. I keep thinking about how my ex expressed so much jealousy for my friend even though at the time we dated I had nothing but a platonic interest in my friend.
And I won't even start with the girl I was dating last week.
How do you get someone so incredible out of your head? Or how do you get back into their heart? If I was ever in it, that is.