I'm going to say some nice things about
GentlemanJim, like
RoguePoet did
yesterday, if only because I like a
challenge.
"Why?", you ask? "Should I call the
police?", you also ask. "This is clearly a
hostage situation." you decide.
No, not really. No hostages exist here except the ones I've built up in my head over the course of "
knowing" GJim on
e2.
The fact of the matter is I decided that I knew him based on what he
wrote here on this webhole, pretty much
anonymously. Which, if you think of it, is patently
insane. If you read what I wrote in the catbox archive, you would argue that I should be committed. Well, even
moreso than before.
Also, I'm doing it more for
me than for anybody else. That's my secret for
writing. I'm my favorite audience. I imagine that is true of most people.
Lastly, it is just a part of my stereotypical
Canadian makeup to find fault in myself for not really liking somebody. And at first, I really really didn't like Jim. Like
seriously. Way back in the good old days when he was
IronGoth (regardless about what he says about "not being there anymore"), me an Jimmy had some fiery knockdown
dragout matches in the
catbox. I started to
stalk the box and wait to pummel him with absolutely absurd accusations.
It became a
circus.
I've thought about
why. They say a
life unexamined
blah blah blah.... I just wanted to understand why this
Internet guy I never met, or seen, or even really cared about could make me go off like a
firecracker. I also wondered about why I cared that it did happen.
Right about here, this shit is gonna get
iceowlly. Geta chair.
I see alot of what I didn't, and
don't, like about myself in Jim (I don't even really know his name, which I find comforting in a way). I have that
conflict going between wanting
attention at pretty much any cost and sealing myself off from everything I can't
control.
IronGoth was
Bizarro-
allseeingeye.
And the fact that we
grew up in pretty much the same society made me just boil. How could somebody that lived in
Canada believe the things that he was saying? That was another
arrogance on my part. Canadians have this strange
moral superiority when in comes to societal beliefs. The ingrained
liberalism of our education system makes a big deal about
stereotypes and
equality and
immigration... it forms a idea in our heads that anybody that doesn't hang with the dogma is
ignorant. It also makes us masters of
subtlety when we air our
dirty laundry. It's institutionalized
two-facedness, but you get used to it. You
expect it. And here is this guy just calling us on it, reveling in the most outrageous statements, and holding
viewpoints that just curled my hair.
I hadn't even
concieved that you could think the way Jimmy thought. It was
anathema to me. In a way. I wanted to believe that it was. But really, I know it's possible.
I grew up kind in a
lower class bluecolor
place. I've seen people that stuck faithfully to their
ignorance, and I've also seen people that really
didn't know any better say terrible things about other races, places and countries. Is it there fault? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. It's just how things are.
In responce, I
railed against him. I spewed
vitriol and
venom. I swore up and down that it was "him or me". I really really took it all to
heart. I even
left for a bit. I just couldn't take it.
Looking back, it was
utterly retarded.
I took all the theatre and forethought and wit out of my "
performance". Yeah yeah,
ego much? Thats the kicker. The whole thing showed me what it is to lose yourself to your
ego. I could just feel it, crawling up my throat, desperate to snatch the
spotlight back. If you give Jim any credit, you have to say that he knows how to get
attention. And I was a spoiled
brat that wanted his exclusive eyes back.
dannye made a comment that really raised the ugly mirror up for me, calling me on the
tantrum and saying it was my revenge for taking shit in high school. I guess it sort of was. It was also not fucking working, and lo and behold, he's still here.
But in the end, thats my
baggage. I'm never gonna
love GJim. I know that. But I am
glad, after the fact, that I've met him, because it has let me learn a bit about my self. You can take from that what you will. Do I think GJim is a nice guy? Not really, but it's not really my place to judge him for an
audience other than myself. Make your own decisions. It works on anybody.
(He is soooo gonna jabber about this for days.
Fuck.)