My love life has been confusing lately, to say the least.
I am in love with a woman I can't have, and who, although she has feelings for me, will probably never be mine.
I wake in the morning with thoughts of her. Sometimes I cry, because I will never know the taste of her lips. Sometimes I just try to make it through a day without thinking of her. I don't think I have succeeded. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do.
This evening an old lover called me, the only other woman I have ever loved, the person who knows me better than anyone else. She gave me the advice I have been giving myself for months, told me to look inside myself and find out why the hell I am doing this to me. Why am I keeping myself in a situation, wanting a woman already in love? What is it about this woman that has pulled me in so? What reflection of my needs do I see within her soul?
And then she asked me what it was I wanted in a relationship. If relationships, be they friend or lover, are what is truly the most important thing to me right now, then what do I really want in one? And, as I write this, the thoughts begin to come together, thoughts that have been there are along, and some that I have been afraid to look at. Because, even though I love her with every pore of my being, I sometimes wonder if she could really share with me everything I want.
And what scares me even more, is that sometimes... I think she could.