Audio captured from a very interesting taping of one of America's favorite game shows:
"OK, welcome everybody to another edition of Wheel of Fortune! Let's get things started with the toss-up puzzle! It is a song..."
"Getting to blow you!"
"Uhhh, um, no, Bob..."
"Getting to know you!"
"You're right, Kera! Good job! You'll get to start off on the next puzzle. But first, let's get to know each of you. First we have from right here in California Kera Stanopolis...am I pronouncing that correctly?"
"Yes, Pat, that's correct!"
"Now, it says here that you are a veterinarian? Wow, that must be exciting."
"Yes, Pat, it's really fulfilling, I've just always loved helping animals."
"I'll bet you have, Kera!"
"Um, OK, Bob. All right, um, let's do you next..."
"Yes, please!"
"Uh, OK, now it says here you're Bob Casey of St. Louis, Missouri. What do you do for a living, Bob?"
"I'm an entrepreneur, Pat."
"OK, Bob, care to, uh, elaborate?"
"No, Pat."
"OooooK, moving right along, lastly we have here David Green from San Francisco. It says here you work in a plant where you package sticks of fudge...why are you laughing, Bob?"
"Yes, Pat, I've, uh, I've been working at that plant for twenty five years. It was my first job out of high school. What, Bob?!"
"Hee hee, n-nothing..."
"Well, all right, let's move to the next puzzle. It is a phrase... Vanna?"
Ding ding ding ding!
"Thank you, Vanna. Kera, you get to spin first..."
"All right, whoo, big money, big money! Yes!"
"Five hundred, Kera, we need a letter from you."
"I would like an 'm', Pat."
"OK, there is one 'm', Kera!"
Dong!
"Spin again..."
"Aw, no, Bankrupt!"
"Oh, I am sorry, Kera. Too bad. OK, Bob, you're up next."
"OK, I'll spin...."
"Two fifty, Bob."
"Can I buy an 'm' please?"
"Uh, Bob, Kera already, uh, guessed 'm.' And besides, you don't buy consonants. Select another letter, please."
"OK, I'm sorry Pat. I would like to guess a 'v', please."
"Uh, yeah, there is in fact a 'v,' Bob..."
Dong!
"I would like to buy a fisting, Pat!"
"Um, what?! Uh, Bob, you, you can only buy...p-please just select a vowel, B--no, not a fisting, a vowel."
"Then I'd like to buy an 'f'...for fisting!"
"Bob, a vowel! 'F' is a consonant..."
"An 'a'?"
"No, sorry, Bob, there's no 'a'."
"I have a 14-inch dick, Pat."
"Uh, that's, uh, nice, Bob. Uhh, spin the wheel, David! Oh, sorry, lose a turn! That's how the cookie crumbles, I'm afraid. Spin the wheel, Kera!"
"Come on, big money, big money! Yeaaah!! Whoo hoo!"
"Whoo! Five thousand if you get this one, Kera! Select a letter, please!"
"An 'n,' please!"
"Yes there are two 'n's, Kera!"
"Whooooooooo!'
Dong, dong!
"Ten thousand dollars, wow! Spin again...!"
"Aw, shoot!"
"Aw, looks like you lose a turn, too, Kera. But, hey, it wasn't bankruptcy. Your turn, Bob!"
"Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle!"
"Well, you go right on ahead, there, Bob!"
"'She likes to doggy-fuck,' Pat!"
"What?! Bob...n-no! That's, uh, that's not it, um, sorry there..."
"I'd like to buy a 69, Pat!"
"Bob, your turn's over, it's David's turn, and besides we don't do numbers!"
"Then I'd like to buy a big, juicy snatch, Pat!"
"No, you can't buy those either, Bob. Now, David, spin, please."
"Come on, big money, big money. Yay!"
"Seven hundred, David..."
"Pat, I'd like an 's,' please."
"Popular letter, I know, but sorry David, not a single 's.' Your turn, Kera!"
"Pat, I'd like a spanking!"
"It's NOT YOUR TURN, BOB. Y-yes, Kera, go ahead and spin...go on."
"Um...OK........all right!"
"Nine hundred, Kera!"
"A 't,' please, Pat!"
"No, sorry, there's no 't!' Now...oh god...it's, uh, Bob's turn again..."
"I'LL SPIN, PAT!"
"All righty...OK, four hundred."
"A 'g,' please, Pat, for g spot!"
"Well, uh, y-yes, there is a 'g,' Bob. Uh, Vanna?"
Dong!
"I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat!"
"Oh, would you now?"
"'Worship My Cock,' Pat!"
"Worship--?!"
"--my big, fat, juicy cock, Pat! Worship it!"
"Oh my god!"
"That's right, Kera, I'm god, because you have to worship my big cock!"
"OK, I'm sorry, that's enough, Bob!. Are you gonna take this show seriously?! I mean, come on! And that's incorrect, by the way. It is now D--"
"SUCK MY BIG HUGE PENILE MEMBER!"
"--avid's turn. Spin, please! All right, three hundred."
"Is there a 'p?!'"
"Yes! One 'p!'"
Dong!
"I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat!"
"Thank god, by all means, David!"
" Moving On Up!"
"Yes, that's correct, David! You win this round!"
"Hey, Pat?!"
*sigh*
"Uh, yes, Bob?"
"I'd like to solve the puzzle!"
"Bob, look, there is no --"
"Is it 'I'd like to titty fuck you, you skank ho?!'"
"All right, that does it! Bob, we will not tolerate any more --!"
"I would like to buy a spliff, Pat!"
"OK, uh, Randy, can we get this guy out of here?!"
"I would like to buy a big camel toe, Pat! Does Vanna have any of those?!"
"Look, somebody, would you please..get this guy...!"
"I'd like to guess a consonant! How about 'tits?! And a big, fat twat while you're at it!"
"Yes, he's right here, remove him, please..."
"WORSHIP MY BIG...FAT...COCK, PAT! Worship my....yeeaaaaggghh!"
"OK, look, guys, I apologize for that. I thought they screened contestants for psychological problems beforehand. I guess we'll finish the game without Bob. Vanna, what's our next puzzle?"
"Worship my COOOOOCK!"
"Jesus Christ, is he gone yet? OH..ok. All right. The next puzzle is a thing..."
"Cooooooock..!"
Stop freaking out, it didn't really happen. Sheesh.