Sex with a chicken (idea)

There are times in a man's life when he just wants a relationship based purely on sex, but cannot get such a thing from women. Maybe he is using the wrong approach. Maybe he is isolated from available women. Maybe he is just too poor and icky to get such a relationship. Or maybe he's just kinky. In any case, some men turn to chickens for solace. Larry Flynt claims that he did this once at the age of nine, and if you follow the simple instructions below, you two can be getting the chicks in no time at all.

Before I go any further, I have to admit that I am writing up this node based on information a document that I saw about 5 years ago, specifically an article from Easy Rider magazine. I wanted to find the article or some other HOWTO before I went any further, but when I told another noder about it, he immediately nodeshelled this. So now I am forced to give you the scraps that I can remember before one of the NRT shows up and does a half-assed job. If I have made any technical errors, please feel free to add your own experiences below.

You will need:

1. A penis.
2. A hen.
3. Lubricant.
4. A knife (optional).

Instructions

1. Like any woman, a chicken needs to be in a relaxed and receptive mood before you can successfully have sex with it. If you do not make sure of this, you will end up covered in scratches and peck marks in locations that will be hard to explain. Gently pick the chicken up in both hands and stroke it slowly, so that it becomes accustomed to sitting in your hand. Making soft clucking noises is also a good seduction tip.
2. Get your penis nice and lubricated, and place the head at the entry of the chicken butt. I'm calling it a butt, but it acts as a vagina, an anus, and a urethra all in one (actually, chickens only have one form of elimination). You need to be erect when you do this, because otherwise, it will be hard to enter your new girlfriend.
3. Slowly push your penis inside the chicken. You should have one hand on the neck of the bird, just below the head, so that it cannot peck you. The other hand may need to hold the feet to prevent scratching. Try to keep the bird as calm as you can as you do this.
4. If a chicken butt can accomodate a Grade AAA egg, it can expand to fit your dick, albeit somewhat tightly. However, the butt is not all that deep, and you will hit bottom fairly quickly. Don't try and push the limits here, just be glad that you're getting some.
5. If you want, you can wait for your chicken to calm down. However, you're never going to get much play from the bird either way, so you might as well go ahead and fuck it. Use short, gentle strokes.
6. OPTIONAL STEP: If you have plenty of chickens, or if you are hungry, or if it's just come time to break up with your chicken, then you can make your last night a memorable one by slitting the bird's throat at the moment of your orgasm. This will cause some strong twitching that can add some spice to your experience.

And that's all there is to it! Have fun. And remember: chickens carry salmonella, which is transmitted from the anus to the mouth. So if you believe that your significant other has been having sex with chickens, make sure that his cock is cleaned thoroughly before you give him oral sex.