I’m sorry to say but any true “man” is probably choking to death on the concoction that the esteemed IWhoSawtheFace has recommended above. Like I mentioned to him in a private message, the only ingredient I recognized was something called bacon bits and even that was stretching it. What’s the matter, don’t got yourself a frying pan girlie boy?

What follows is my tried and true sure to land you in the hospital recipe for a REAL MAN’S salad. It consists entirely of meat and meat by products and a couple of potatoes. I’d also like to mention that REAL MEN don’t qualify chicken or turkey as meat since they only have two legs.

First of all, get yourself a huge slab of beef and cut into strips. (If IWho was writing this, he’d probably say “julienne” it or some shit but us REAL MEN don’t go for them there fancy words). Marinate it in some bourbon for an hour or two. It doesn’t have to be the fancy schmancy kind, the cheapest you can get your hands on will do. After that’s done, pour the juices into a shot glass and knock them back. No sense in letting anything go to waste. Now, get yourself some butter, yeah, that’s right, the real kind and melt it in a frying pan. Get it good and hot but not smoking, drop in the beef and watch as it sizzles away and curls up like it was getting ready to go to bed. Depending on your tastes, you might want to let it go for a few minutes or so but me, being the REAL MAN that I am, usually wait until it just browns and then I quickly remove it before all the carnivorous goodness is reduced to leather. Remove the beef from the pan and set it aside in the largest bowl you can find. Keep the juices that form in the pan.

Next, get your hands on some bacon, about a pound of it. Real bacon, the kind from a goddamn pig and not from a goddamn turkey or from a goddamn package of chemicals. Honest to goodness pure pork bacon. Using the same frying pan cook it up until it just starts turning crispy and remove it from the pan. While it’s still hotter than fucking hell itself, begin crumbling it into bite sized pieces. Why you ask? Because that’s what REAL MEN do for God’s sake! Combine it with the beef. Oh yeah, hold onto the juices and the bacon grease. Don’t ask, you’ll see later.

Now, get yourself one of those pork tenderloins and cut it into chunks (not strips!, too many strips make you look all gay and shit! Wouldn’t want that!). Marinate the chunks in dark beer for a couple of hours and then suck down the juices. Don’t believe that myth about uncooked pork either! The beer should kill any of the little critters that might make their way into your stomach anyway. Remove the pork and plop it into the frying pan. Just to be on the safe side, I usually let this cook for about five or so minutes. Remove it and add it to the beef and the bacon.

Some of you might be wondering if this is just a little too much cholesterol for one person to take but don’t worry, we got potatoes to the rescue! Boil yourself up a batch and leave the skins on for crying out loud. When they get fork tender, cube ‘em up and ‘add em to the mix.

This might be the most important part. Remember the bacon grease and beef drippings I told you to set aside? Well now it’s time to make your dressing. Get yourself a bottle of ketchup (never catsup!) and mix all that shit together. Whatever you do, don’t use a fuckin’ whisk. REAL MEN work with spoons. Pour it over the meat and potato mixture and swirl it around for awhile. If it's too thick, spoon in some generic mayo. You can then either refrigerate for an hour or so or if you like it warm, dig right in. I usually substitute chunks of broken up hamburger buns instead of croutons (what the hell are those anyway?) to soak up the juice. If I don't have any hamburger buns lying around, saltine crackers will do or if I'm really in a pinch, some crumbled up stale potato chips can come to the rescue.

If I’m alone, I usually like to eat this in my underwear while I’m sitting on the couch watching old re-runs of Married With Children with an ice cold Stroh's or ten to wash it down and to keep me company. If I have people over, I like to break out the good stuff like Budweiser.

In closing, I can honestly say that this recipe has served me well over the years despite my three heart attacks, three angioplasties and one quadruple bypass. I blame those on not getting enough exercise or genetics or some other shit.

Bon appetit or whatever the hell it is the French say.