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We’ve got a quasi regular at our local watering hole that pulls the same stunt every time he comes into the bar. His routine usually goes something like this.

First he orders a dirty martini and chases it down with a Miller 64. (A strange combination if you ask me) Then, he points to three or four of us gathered down at the end of the bar and asks the bartender to “sprinkle the infield” on him. That’s the term he uses when he wants to buy a round of drinks.

Next, he approaches a smoker, usually me, and waves a dollar bill at them in exchange for smoke. I don’t know if anybody ever accepted his gracious offer but since he’s done it so often now it’s become somewhat of a hollow gesture. After refusing his offer, he usually says to just add it to our tip to the bartender and I’ll reply something along the lines of “Why don’t you add it to your tip?”

And then, while we’re outside in what is known as “”smokers alley”, comes the inevitable line:

"You know, I only smoke when I drink.”

I’m normally not a rude drunk but I found myself tempted to say something along the lines of “Quit fuckin’ drinking then” but cooler heads prevailed.

Yet, I still wanted to get my point across and perhaps I had one too many drinks or had heard the line one too many times but the next thing that came out of my mouth was:

”No, it seems you only smoke when I drink.”

I’m betting he’ll have a full pack the next time he comes in.

Either that, or he’ll hit up on someone else.