Well, it looks as though I’ve lost my fight to keep custody of my daughter on the week on/week off basis that, for me, has worked so well over the years. I don’t know if “lost” is the right word, maybe I’m just tired of fighting. Maybe I just don’t have the worldly resources available to compete with my ex when it comes to dealing with attorneys and the courts and any other of the so called “powers that be” that seem to make decisions that are incomprehensible. Maybe I’ve just been worn down emotionally to such an extent that I just can’t deal with the thought of fighting any more. I feel guilty about that, I feel like I’ve surrendered in some way. Surrendered to forces who know nothing of the relationship we’ve established in her short life-time.
I never thought that I would say this about another human being but I’ve come to despise my kids mom in ways I’d never imagined. I don’t like myself for feeling like that but truth be told, that about sums it up. She’s a public defender who pretends to fight the good fight for those who can’t afford a so-called “real” attorney and I respect her for that. The thing is, she treats her clients better than she treats the father of her own child. Once again her selfishness has driven a wedge between my daughter and me. All of this is over money, a concept that my daughter can’t understand and I wouldn’t want her to. It isn’t healthy for either of us. This isn’t the first time that the battle over money has been brought up, it rears its ugly head every couple of years.
It looks like I’m going to go the route of many other single fathers out there. You know, the every other weekend kinda dad who is sometimes so far removed from their kids life that they try and cram all of the good times into a 48 hour period. Sure, I’ll make the occasional phone call during the week to find out what’s happening in her life but to me, it just won’t be the same.
Some of my friends and co-workers have told me that in a way, this will be a good thing, that I’ll have more time to figure myself out and do things I couldn’t do before. To them I say, thanks, but I already had myself figured out and there really wasn’t much in the way of things to do that I was missing. I’ve been to enough parties, events, social gatherings and whatnot to last a lifetime. It’s not like I was missing anything at all. In fact, I felt as though they might have been missing something.
In no particular order, here’s a couple of things I’m gonna miss ‘bout my kid. They’re really quite simple…
Tucking her in at night
Waking her up in the morning
Making breakfast
Packing her lunch for school
Holding her hand as we walked around the neighborhood.
Her questions, her amazing questions
Her face, happy or sad
Picking her up from school
Her voice
Teaching her all sorts of things
Shit, who’s kidding who, I’m going to miss it all.
/me is very sad today…and probably will be for some time to come….
Sorry, I just had to let it out.