There's a big old goofy man
Dancing with a big old goofy girl
Ooh baby
It's a big old goofy world
Excerpt from John Prine’s tune called “It’s A Big Old Goofy World”
Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s a policy many schools have embraced over the last few years in dealing with disciplinary problems amongst the student body. They call it zero tolerance and even when you take into consideration the recent spate of school shootings, in my minds eye, it’s quite subjective.
Back in my day, kids got suspended from school for a variety of reasons. Shit like fighting, stealing, vandalizing and threatening other kids were usually considered major offenses and before they actually suspended you, your parents were hauled in and advised of the circumstances. I don’t know about you but that little scenario, having my parents brought to school, certainly was in the top ten list of my all-time childhood fears. Usually the first offense might be a freebie, the parents would get lectured, go home and mete out whatever discipline they felt was justified.
In the borgo household, that meant a swift kick in the ass.
I got the message.
Besides the things I mentioned earlier, nowadays, kids seem to get suspended for reasons that seem incomprehensible. Bring some nail clippers to school? Buh bye. Got a bottle of aspirin stashed in your locker? See ya! Hug another kid? Deviant sexual behavior! Draw a picture that somebody finds offensive? Quick! Call the art police!
News Item: Portland, Maine “A school health center will make birth control pills available to girls as young as 11. Prescriptions will be given after a student undergoes a physical exam by a physician or nurse practitioner. Parents must consent to their children using the school's health center, as most middle school students are ages 11 to 13.”
“Nevertheless, treatment is confidential under state law. That means students can decide whether to inform their parents about the services they receive.”
I like to think of myself as a left leaning socially progressive individual who likes to look at all sides of an issue before making up my mind but in this instance all I can say is…
What…..the…..fuck?
My kid turns thirteen this weekend. She’s a girl. She’s a beautiful girl. I know kids are easily influenced by other kids their same age. It’s the same old “everybody else was doing it” excuse that I used when I was kid. But now with some years and experience under my belt I can see the fault behind that logic.
To quote Al Pacino from the movie Scent of a Woman here's what I'd have to say to the good people on the Portland school board:
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: “Out of order, I show you out of order. You don't know what out of order is, Mr. Trask. I'd show you, but I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too fuckin' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know?”
When I was a kid in the seventh or eighth grade and my hormones were getting the better of me, I dreamed about getting to “second base”. For those of you who might be unaware, second base was a euphemism for touching a girl’s breast. Many of us were called but few were chosen and those who actually got there were few and far between. The rest of us were just flat out liars.
Breast cancer has been in the news a lot lately and rightfully so. I think either this week or last week was actually “Breast Cancer Awareness Week” and many fundraisers were held across the country to try and raise money to help eradicate this terrible disease.
In one of the local middle schools a couple of girls took it upon themselves to make and sell t-shirts to help raise people’s awareness about the disease. The shirts were red and depicted two baseballs where a woman’s breasts would be. Underneath that was the caption “Save Second Base”.
The local school threatened to suspend them and wouldn’t allow them to sell their shirts on school grounds on the basis that they were “sexually explicit” in nature. I think they put them up on E-Bay and so far have received over four hundred orders.
Once again, to the members of the local school board who found the t-shirts offensive I find myself relying on Al Pacino and the final half of his quote:
Lt. Col. Frank Slade: “You think you're merely sending this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are... executin' his soul! And why? Because he's not a Bairdman. Bairdmen. You hurt this boy, you're gonna be Baird bums, the lot of ya. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, FUCK YOU TOO!”
So on one hand you have what amounts to me is a school giving tacit approval of pre-teen sex and on the other going out of their way to undermine a worthy cause.
There's a big old goofy man
Dancing with a big old goofy girl
Ooh baby
It's a big old goofy world
I couldn’t have said it better if I tried.