I was just through laughing my ass off after reading the write up Testamints and decided to do an image search to see what the good Lord’s idea of a minty fresh bible passage looks like when I came across something called “The Bible Bar”. Much to my chagrin I was disappointed to find out it wasn’t the name of some local dive bar frequented by defrocked priests, non practicing Catholics or other folks who strayed from His chosen path. No, it appears “The Bible Bar” is yet another food stuff that will have you believing that if you decide to ingest them, your path to heaven will be a little smoother.
How’s that you say?
Let’s start with a quote from the good book itself.
”For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land. A land of wheat and barley, of grapes and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey. - Deuteronomy 8:8
I don’t know what Deuteronomy had in mind when this was written but I’m pretty sure he didn’t conceive of a holy granola bar that contained all seven of the ingredients mixed together to form one solid block.
Just for grins I decided to head on over to their web site and praise be to God there’s enough information about The Bible Bar there to make almost any sinner repent. Their FAQ page blew me away when it gave a rather lengthy response to the high number of carbohydrates and why eating just one of these chosen wafers is enough to suppress your appetite.
There was even a page for reviews from the likes of the Reader's Digest, the New York Times and Mother Jones magazine which raised the eternal question of “What would Jesus eat?”
From there I went on to the testimonial page where I read comments from actual consumers who claimed that “The Bible Bar” had either saved their lives or made it better by causing them to lose weight. It was filled with all the wholesomeness you would expect. There were pictures of middle aged smiling white women chomping down on their Bible Bars and I swear if I looked close enough, I could almost see the halo hovering over their heads.
I thought it was almost too good to be true to find out that they offer such other products such as a diet plan called “Moses Wasn’t Fat” (how could he be, he wandered around the desert for forty years), Royal Jelly, (some kind of concoction made by bees) and my personal favorite “Thoroughly Cleansed” which is an “internal body cleaner” that will come in handy if you over indulge and gorge yourself on too many of “The Bible Bar” themselves. Talk about purging yourself of your sins!
Forget manna from heaven, you can get your own Bible Bars in almost any self respecting, God fearing Bible Book Store or you can order direct from the website.
The Bible Bar isn’t reserved for just Christians, for those of you who might be of the Jewish persuasion you can take heart, it's kosher!
As for me, I haven’t had the opportunity to try to eat one of what must be the Lord’s favorite snack but if I do and come back a changed man, I’ll be sure to let you know.
In the meantime, I’ll stick with Tom Waits and his ideas about a Chocolate Jesus.