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In my long and storied career as a writer and producer making more money than your mother does putting out on the docks, one of my first forays into the world of television was as the writer and producer of the show A Man Who Sometimes Becomes Smaller, which ran from 1972-1974. This was one of the first proper sci-fi shows on television because it used no science. It was really ahead of its time in seeing the complete falseness of all science, which I had hypothesized about since the days when I was having one hairless animal after another forced without any mercy whatsoever up my ass by my adoptive father. And so, I wanted to bring my correct vision of the world to the American people, who were hungry for truth after the lies of Hubert H. Humphrey.

In a way, my show helped begin the 1970s and start the greatest decade in world history. My show helped make everything right for everyone in our nation for the first time in its 780 year history.

When I walked onto the set, I was still a grown man in his 40s with no mental deficits whatsoever being forced to be in the third grade. So, there was a kind of "living in two worlds" effect when I shuttled back and forth between Hollywood (where I was filming the show) and Baltimore, where I lived and attended the third grade (and shoved dozens of kids heads in toilets until they gave up their lunch money - size matters - many of those kids went on to have serious mental problems which cracks me up to no end).

Getting involved with a Hollywood studio making a television show about sci-fi stuff was a great lift for me while I was suffering through all that abuse. I've cornered so many women in dark rooms and forced them into a second room, and then through a series of adjoining rooms to talk to them about my emotional problems that I've had since I suffered that abuse. Many of them had me arrested, but as a television writer and producer, these accusations were laughed off properly by cops who liked movies and television in the 1970s when everything was perfect for everyone without exception in America. If you check the records, we had zero deaths in America between 1972 and 1976 (the peak years of the 70s). We had paradise here in America. What a time. What a time.

The pilot for A Man Who Sometimes Becomes Smaller almost resulted in the show's cancellation. There were techinical problems related to our rejection of science. The Scienceman Union had filed a lawsuit stating that we were required by California law to use science in all movie productions. I balked at the suggestion and a judge came down and slapped a seersucker suit and a pillbox hat on me. We had to delay production for several months while we fought the suit, being reduced to eating McDonalds for lunch and beating the absolute fuck out of every useless old person we saw in the area as the only way to relieve stress. "Hollywood is for hotties you dumb fucks!" we'd scream at them while hitting them over and over again in the head with lead pipes and baseball bats. Fucking old people. I love just teeing off on their fragility. It qualifies me as a winner at this point in my life (as I am getting up in years). I have a living will that says if I become unable to work, build businesses, write books for Random House for $60 million advances, and shove kids' heads unmercifully into unflushed toilets, I want to be taken out into a field and beaten to death by a faceless mob. It is all I will want in the end and I hope I come.

The Splendor in the Grass was something entirely different than A Man Who Sometimes Becomes Smaller, but there is a lot to be said about both. We'll stick to discussing A Man Who Sometimes Becomes Smaller only in this column. You can understand the need for restraint in this area.

We had to pay extra for whores after we finally filmed the first episode, as we had some unique tastes they had some problems with. But, we needed to unwind after the long shooting schedule, so you can understand why this conduct was extremely proper and was satisfying for all. You need to understand that I am serious about how much I deserved to be able to do what I did that night. I want you on my side. Are you?

Our first epiode established the premise of the show. If you want to be a writer you have to scratch your noggin' for three days before you begin a new novel to think about the premise. You want to go out to restaurants and bars, sit by yourself, smile at people and say "premise" to them. You want that smile to be big and toothy. You want to show them your teeth and then slowly move your tongue between those teeth, through the gums, and then waggle it around at them. Let them know you lick it like a lollypop. Show them with motions and signals. Don't say the words. Never say the words. Shush, shush. Don't say it. Makes it too obvious. I know it is hard little bunky. I can see how hard it is. You can't hide it. Show these people what you are really all about. Make it known. Come out of the shadows. Reveal to the world that the person I describe here is who you really are. It is true. Accept. Accept. Accept some more. Good.

Once we moved on to the second show, it became known that the premise established in the first show was about this man who sometimes was smaller than he was at other times. His size and fundamental bodily features would shrink to pre-Caligula status. It was something to look at. The effects were completely non-scientific and thus realistic instead of "fanciful" (which is a word you can always use to describe any kind of science and related fuckery). This man has a ship like on the long forgotten Star Trek (look into it) except instead of blinking lights and switches (signs of science) it has Bibles mounted on the walls you can flip through to look for answers while traveling through space in a ship controlled by God. Wonderful premise. Sometimes the star of the show becomes smaller, which is great. He doesn't have a particular role on the crew. He is just kind of there with out any explanation. The backstory is that the captain of the ship knows it is possible they could run into a situation in space where a man who sometimes becomes smaller will be an asset.

We would make 72 episodes in all, one of which would win and Emmy Award for the best sci-fi show that avoided the lies of science. It was quite an honor. That episode was from the second season and was called Giggle Fit at 3,000 Feet and focused on a shuttle pilot who broke into giggles while in the atmosphere of an alien planet and they have to go get him because he can't control the shuttle like that. Because flying a shuttle requires both hands. Really moved the Academy.

It isn't on any longer. They used to have it at Blockbuster Video but the liberals shuttered all those. I don't think it is in the Redblocks of television they sell in front of the supermarket. I doubt it. Sucks.