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One of the things I'm interested in doing is setting up a fund to help underpaid children get a quality education so they can become big earners and be able to tip substantially at the strip clubs.

Hi, my name is Berhardt Goats. I am an internationally renowed columnist writing a guest column here today. I am on loan from everything2 website where new learnings are acquired by studious young people twenty-four hours a day. Twenty-four hours a day. TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY. Be sure to check out everything2 website for these learnings and for more of my Calder Award winning columns that I write there in return for a generous stipend.

Are your children in need of a quality education? If you send me a donation of $70,000 in the form of an uncancellable check, I can begin the process for your child. I want to be able to help people who can't help themselves. I've been handing out twenties at the mall, but that just led to some kids trying to grab my whole wad and I had to resort to violence. They were killed instantly, however. I have sworn off torture unless doctors or climate change deniers are involved. They get the screwdriver in the eye, twisted slowly, their kneecaps broken with a sledgehammer, their thigh bones shattered with glorious fury, and then thrown into a hole. Good stuff. Wholesome. Regardless, try to grab my wad and your woman or man lover will be buying flowers to put on your coffin. Same Day Service. I'm serious.

My climate change fund is also still staking donations of the same amount in the same format. If the check is cancelled despite being uncancellable, I will be over. Your children will suffer for it. Enough said. I am a man of peace. A warrior for the environment and the poor and disinterested masses.

Also, if your daughter is going to prom this year, I am available to go with her. Although I am 80 years old, am in the midst of organ replacement surgery, and have sexual appetites that women require months of therapy to come to terms with, I am interested.

I would also like to learn how to "jimmy" things so if you know how to "jimmy" things please contact me. This can be done without exchanging money.

Take care of yourselves. Get a breast exam and check your balls for lumps. A little care now can avoid a lot of pain later.

My friends.