This week I started my new position as a fully tenured professor of ethics in the University System of Maryland and I look forward to the start of a new semester as students accustomed to the blatantly incorrect liberal take on ethics will get their eyes opened by yours truly, Berhardt Goats (friends call me Behr).
I acquired this position by falsifying records on my educational and work history with the help of a new friend I call Wally. Since this position will pay much better than my former work as an unqualified remedial science teacher and a slightly less unqualified substitute gym teacher in the Greater Baltimore School System it was a very ethical decision on my part and I pause now to pat myself on the back.
I was working on writing the lecture I will give on the opening day of classes, a lecture I have entitled "Smoking Pot is Not Ethical" when a random anthropology professor approached me and asked if I wanted anything from Burger King such as a Whopper or fare similar to the Whopper in nature since he was going to a nearby Burger King to pick up lunch for some of the staff who were on campus. I handed him five dollars and asked for a Whopper with extra onions and some freedom fries. I did not care for the look he gave me at that point and put a black mark next to his name on the sheet of paper I keep on my person at all times for the purpose of putting black marks next to people's names.
When he returned, he gave me the food I had requested without offering any change. These items total up to four dollars and eighty-eight cents, which would give me twelve cents in change (you can do the math yourself and I bet you will come up with the same result - we will call this Behr's math challenge as I know there are a lot of noders on E2 with strong math skills for whom this should not be too difficult). Obviously, this man was being unethical in his handling of disbursement of proper change following the doing of business at a fast food establishment of some note.
I proceeded to give this so-called professor the evil eye for much of the afternoon. Then I ran into him at the soda machine later in the day and witnessed him taking a bunch of change out of his pants pocket and depositing the required seventy cents into the machine to purchase a Coca Cola product. He looked at me with a smile, asked, "How's your day going, Professor Goats?" and then put the remaining change he had removed from his pocket back into his pants without giving a second thought to correcting the mistake he had made earlier in withholding my change! Unbelievable!
I was having a fitful time typing up a complaint about this anthropology professor which I was planning to file with the proper department at the university to get the ball rolling on getting this unethical charlatan fired for his actions, but then decided it would be easier to take matters into my own hands. I followed him to his home, made a note of the address and then went back to my house and telephoned my friend Chopper. Upon hearing the story of how this jerk ripped me off, Chopper wanted very much to be a part of the revenge I planned to take against this mountebank.
I disguised myself as Barack Obama and Chopper rented a minivan, which we decorated with Barack Obama promotional stickers and so forth and drove up to the home of this anthropology professor. Chopper disguised himself as a nerdy Barack Obama supporter, complete with eyeglasses and simulated perfect teeth. We then went up to his door ostensibly to ask him for his support in upcoming elections. All of this was basically just a cover as I am a strong supporter of Ron Paul unless we can somehow stop the elections and keep my good friend George W. Bush in office for the twelve more years it will require him to straighten the mess Democrats have made of this country.
As expected, Professor Rip-off welcomed us into his home after seeing who we seemed to be. Now, if you know anything about ethics, once a person invites you into their home you are pretty much allowed to do anything to them or their property short of murder or sexually offending their pets, at least that is the way the statute reads here on the books in Maryland. Once we had taken a seat on the couch and this professor of deception had gone into his kitchen to fetch us all glasses of faggy lemonade, we started our revenge.
I removed my Barack Obama disguise and Chopper got rid of his glasses and fake perfect teeth. Before the thief could return from the kitchen with the faggy lemonade we had begun slicing up the upholstery on his furniture with razor blades Chopper had hidden in his hat. Then we began urinating on his Persian rug (which, if you know where Persia is, you know who this jackass is friends with). We then smashed whatever small items, knick-knacks we could get our hands on, especially those that looked valuable.
At this point the con man professor had come back to the living room with a look of surprise and shock on his face. We were giving him shock and awe up close and personal, something we hope he will share with his crazy Persian friends. I then punched him three times in the face while telling him, "Next time, give people their change or else."
Our point was made, and after a good night's sleep I returned to the university the following day and put the finishing touches on my "Smoking Pot is Not Ethical" lecture. I smiled though, as I wrote the closing lines of my future lecture, as I realized I had already given someone a strong lesson in the importance of ethics and I deserved another pat on the back.