For some time I have been with much woe out of contact with friends and others who are not so much friends as something else here at the everything2.com website. For many weeks I have been tied up (not literally but figuratively) with the legal case involving former friend Dale, who I framed for arranging for the abduction and murder of his wife, who was rightfully my girlfriend but kept from me by Dale's constant claims of marital right. Let it be known that with the help of current friends Chopper, Bruce and The Slow Kid we have put Dale behind bars where he belongs due to unholy holding onto of wife and will be moving soon to change his sentence from life in prison to death row once we review Maryland's statutes on this sort of thing.

Once the case was closed, I found myself needing to move on. As part of the deal with the legal system, corrupted as it is by the extremely evil and sulfuric smelling Joe Biden (who wouldn't have a job if he lived in the conservative state of Maryland instead of the communist satellite state of Delaware), Bruce went to prison along with Dale. Bruce and Dale will be sharing a cell together which will be fun to think about because Bruce enjoys steady, hardcore man sex with unwilling partners and Dale is a Christian tight ass. Let's see his God get him out of this one, eh? I laugh to consider his prayers.

To celebrate I went to the grocery store in a pair of plaid shorts and a silky black shirt to buy a cantaloupe and a bottle of sherry. Chopper, who was with me at the time, and myself went out to the parking lot and with a machete split the cantaloupe in half. We then proceeded to clear out the guts of this orange melon and pour the sherry into the gully that remained. I did not enjoy the liberally slanted movie Fern Gully but this did not keep me from referring to the hollowed out area in the cantaloupe as a gully because words cannot be corrupted for wrongful political purposes, only hearts can. What happened next proves that hearts can indeed be corrupted by liberal television programs involving Ike and Ted Turner.

It may be important to point out now that my friend Chopper looks almost exactly like the guy in the movie Predator who kills the scorpion and then says "Anytime," to Apollo Creed in a weird voice. The only difference is that Chopper is thin, white and has curly hair. Otherwise, same.

As Chopper and me prepared to enjoy the sherry-soaked melon we had gleefully prepared in a public American parking lot to celebrate sending an innocent but annoying man to prison for life (and hopefully the chair) we were approached by left-leaning cops who posed a lot of confusing questions meant to back us into a corner. We were not biting. Our succulent melon was just at the peak of readiness and these cops were inteferring with our rights as Americans to enjoy booze saturated cantaloupes in public American parking lots.

What did we do, you might ask? We decided to mess with the heads of these left-leaning cops. We asked them a number of questions about Michael Vick that were very topical given current events and then began pounding them with accusations about letting foreigners like this soccer player and his Spanish-speaking ilk kill American born and bred super dogs. They did not know what to say in response so we pointed to an abandoned warehouse in the distance, which would still be operating and producing textiles if unions hadn't fucked up the whole deal, and told them we could hear dogs barking, fighting and dying inside the building.

They felt so guilty they left us in peace to enjoy the fruit and alcohol we had paid for with American money we had earned and went off to investigate the abandoned warehouse. Of course you and me and Chopper know there was no dog fighting in the abandoned warehouse, only methadone addicts and bag ladies who belong in work camps or jail.

The cantaloupe was delicious. Here is the recipe:

  • One ripe but firm cantaloupe
  • One bottle of sherry
  • One pound bag of Twizzlers brand red licorice
Using a sharp machete, cut cantaloupe in half. Scoop seeds and other crap from inside of cantaloupe out with spoon, hands or garden implements.

Place each half of cut cantaloupe on a flat surface. Pour sherry into the gully created when seeds and other crap was removed from inside of melon (cantaloupe).

Pick up one half of canteloupe slowly and raise to face. Tilt slightly and begin to chew on tender flesh of melon (cantaloupe) while at same time allowing liquid (sherry) to fill expectant mouth. Repeat until finished.

Better when done with friend (two halves).