With the global pandemic afoot, not a lot of motion pictures are making it into theaters. Sometimes you end up having to see a movie that came out years ago or something questionable. I ended up seeing something questionable.
Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling, discredited and possessed psychiatrist.
I was walking to the store, minding my own business, looking forward to flirting with the woman who works at the store who is always trying to avoid me by going into a back room as soon as I come in and locking and bolting the door to said back room. It is perplexing. I'm always telling her that I love the smell of her perfume, the way her really big tits bounce when she walks, or the way I can sometimes get a whiff of pussy when she walks by on a hot day.
So, it all happened like that, as it always seems to these days. It was business as usual. And then, as I came out of the store, a black van with dark windows pulled up. Three hooded men jumped out. One barked, "That's the psychiatrist!" And then they all grabbed me and forced me into the back of the van and locked and bolted the door. This was also perplexing. At least to me.
They took me to an abandoned warehouse. What they did was drive the van right into the warehouse and then lock and bolt the doors behind us. There was a big movie screen on the wall and seats arranged like a movie theater. But there was no one in any of the seats. Eerie. The hooded men pushed me down to the front row and gave me a seat in the front row, center.
"You gonna learn something today, bitch," one of the hooded men said before slapping me hard across the face. He slapped me so hard that one of my teeth came loose and then shot out of my mouth like a slow-moving bullet.
I pissed my pants at that point, but then the opening credits came on.
GOD: THE MOVIE
A product of the Revisionist Recertification Reverence Movement
and sponsored by the Reverence Revisionist Church of Recertification North America
At this point I didn't know what to think. I was perplexed. Names of actors I'd never heard from appeared on the screen. What kind of fucked up film was I going to watch?
And then this old bearded guy with a cane come on the screen. The camera moves in for a tight shot of his face.
"Hi, I'm God. I came from humble beginnings. Perhaps you did as well. Let us talk a journey together, you and me."
I went to get up and get out of there, but then the chair I was sitting in began humming and these restraints popped up on the chair arms, looped around my wrists, and held me to the chair. One of the hooded men came over and slapped me again. This time he only loosened a tooth.
"Sit the fuck down and learn something, you complete piece of shit," he told me.
I looked back up at the screen in terrified silence. God was walking through the woods. He then spread his arm out in front of him and a farm appeared.
"At first, I was merely seed corn on this Iowa farm, but I grew up big and strong. My stalk was tall and mighty. I won first prize at the Iowa State Fair. This caused me to be noticed by the universe. I was somebody. But I was not proud. I was strong of heart. Come with me. Let us continue our journey."
I was literally freaking out. This movie was fucking weird.
We were now inside a farm house. There was a completely naked couple making love on the couch behind God. He didn't seem to care or even notice.
"Eventually, I was eaten by the man who lives in this farmhouse," God explained while pointing to a corn cob on a plate on the kitchen table that was bare of corn kernels.
He turned and now noticed the couple making love. He smiled at them.
"The universe called to me and I responded. I went into the infinite unknown and was greeted by a voice. That voice said, 'We have an opening for God. Would you like to be God?' This was not a offer I could refuse, and thus I did not refuse it."
I struggled mightily against the restraints to no avail.
God sat on the edge of the couch where the couple was making love.
"He now shoots his seed into the woman. That seed contains the essence of my seed corn. That child shall be the messiah."
I started screaming.
"What the fuck, you people! Let me out of these restraints! This movie is fucking weird!"
The scene on the screen changed. God was gone. The couple was in the hospital where the woman had given birth to a child. The father was there at her side and they both had their loving hands on the baby.
"We will call him Wallace Laverly," the man said.
"It is a good name. A strong name."
The scene faded to black and then God appeared again, this time in front of a temple that looked like a church except with barren corn cobs instead of crosses.
"Wallace Laverly went on to found the Reverence Revisionist Church of Recertification. We are 50,000 members strong and growing. Join us. Join the Son of God, Wallace Laverly, as he preaches his words to you every Sunday at the Primary Temple. You will be given a brochure on your way out."
The end credits rolled and the restraints were released. The hooded men came back over and pulled me out of the chair. They pushed me down through a series of rooms and hallways and back out to where the van was parked. I was forced back into the van and driven back to where I was picked up.
I was handed a brochure and thrown out of the van. It drove off without further incident.
Not sure if I'll attend any meetings at this church. Not sure at all.