Today marked the passing of a giant. Gomer T. Schwartz was one of my favorite authors and businessmen. He wrote the fabled I Watched My Wife Have Sex With an Animal (And Did Nothing) and that launched a storied writing career.
A true master of the poetic verse, Gomer could spin a yarn with the best of them. He once challenged Stephen King to a writing duel and outwrote him by more than sixty pages when time expired. You can't do that on a shoestring budget. The man was seriously financed, and without financing your art is worth as much as the shit you took this morning. It has no value except to sickos.
Gomer T. Schwartz recommended many of the same ideals I promote today. He introduced the idea of forcibly removing snacks from the homes of those making less than one-hundred thousand dollars a year. Those were 1970s numbers, but they are significant because of the correctness of their inner virtue. He also recommended physically tearing snacks out of the hands of children, the elderly, and all non-working people. They need to work. He was right on that point one hundred percent. You can fact check those figures. They are spot on.
I gave the eulogy at his funeral, although in the modern Internet parlance that would be "ghave un da U-G." That is the kind of shorthand used on the Internet.
Here is the eulogy that I gave (ghave):
Friends, countrymen, patriots, lend me your ears
I am here to tell you about a man named Gomer T. Schwartz
And I'm going to tell you about him today
When I first met Lord Schwartz, I was a young man in his forties being forced to attend a grammar school for children because of my upbringing. The nature of my upbringing was a concern to the U.S. State Department, and so I, of course, contacted Gomer T. Schwartz for advice, as would any of you. The wisdom of his words was unique in this blathering time when no one is willing to make the hard choices for this country and put ninety percent of the population in forced labor camps. Lord Schwartz was a loud voice for the cause, and was he ever. Such a shrill voice you will never hear. And when he saluted to the heavens, promising God himself that he would die on his sword before he surrendered the Holy City, we were with him. We all were. Every last one of us went to the wall for Gomer and we were willing to die for him when we took over that supply depot and took out all those NATO soldiers. We were brave. We were strong. We just wanted to have fun. Like girls do in the hit song by Cyndi Lauper. Let me not waste your time. There is vundersausage and brats and beers out in the lobby. Thank you all for coming. Praise Lord Gomer, he almost took us home.
What a wonderful eulogy I gave. You really have to commend what I said and the way in which I said it. This is one of the things that happens whenever any of the people trapped inside my head die. I have to process this and it isn't easy when I am kept in this home all the time by these people in these coats.
No, that was just a dream. Everything is fine. Everything is just fine. We're all going to be okay.
I promise.
That brings me to another salivating point that I would like to make here. And that is to tell you that these people mean something to me. There is love for these people and they are dying because we are old. The times are changing, but do you have the right to judge Gomer T. Schwartz just because he donated his very sizable estate to The Free Confederate Flag Distribution Center of Northern Alabama? You do not. The facts bear this out. They are so solid on this front that there is no way you can even think about challenging them.
A lot of people objected to his award winning novel, Repurposing Your Child as a Rug, especially when they learned he'd been doing active experiments to prove his points. And many points were made. Some were not palatable to all. Some put them to good use. Real good use. I ran a rug business on the side for seven years. Enough said.
So, in conclusion, please join me in saluting Gomer T. Schwartz as he makes his final journey into the great beyond. He will be embraced by the goodness of God. And there will be warmth. And light. And power. And the essence. That will also be there. In all the shades.