If you go around any moderately sized town you will find weird conversational tendencies in the patrons of coffee shops. These are places to be avoided unless The Heavy Steadys are playing there live. They are an acoustic folk band who plays a lot of "fuck you" type numbers that really get the crowd riled up, Acoustically. I am serious. Check out The Heavy Steadys when you get a chance. Like now, okay? Thanks (friend Behr). Hominids are weird when they start a-dancin'. I swear. This is true.
Every year I try to put together special events for the holiday season. Halloween is a great time to prey on the less fortunate and to acquire more "stock" for your basement laboratory. It has always been a kind time for me and my "tendencies." Good stuff. Now, this year I am still being kept away from my properties in Baltimore and I am hiding out from the FBI while running in the GOP Presidential Primary from my Unibomber style cabin in the woods outside of Utica, New York (upstate).
So, this year in addition to running The Hunt on Murder Island: The 2019 Friend Behr Nodermeet, I will also be running a local attraction in Utica called the Haunted Bridge Abutment. This is a lot to take on for someone who is also on the run and running for President and having a dilly of a time with fundraising (thank you Dr. Lady Noder who has donated six million to my campaign thus far from her rural medicine cash register - cha ching!). So, I ask that you Behr with me. Huh huh. See, that is wholesome humor you might have received from your joker dad. Pathetic father you have. I am sorry for you. Things would have been different for you if he had just had some time to spend with you. Maybe throw a ball around or something so you wouldn't piss your pants and cry at the ball game. Like I am supposed to feel bad for you when you are that pathetic.
All of that will be forgotten when you visit the Haunted Bridge Abutment in Utica, New York this Halloween season. Come for the leaf peeping and pumpkin patch. Stay for the mayhem. There will be plenty.
In every load of people on the haunted hayride, three will die and four will be seriously injured, and one will be forcibly immunized by evil agents of the vaccination deep state. Lives will end. Bones will be shattered beyond repairs. Thems are the breaks in the modern world. Scares aren't as easy to come by as they were in the 1950s when we were launching atomic bombs at countries left and right the way we need to and will again after I get elected - ALL of Asia and Australia will be wiped out in my early pograms. For now, however, there is the hayride.
The hayride takes you down to the bog by the river. This is real Sleepy Hollow type shit. Real authentic feel to it. Very real. In part this is because actual robbers, rapists, and murderers are being let loose inside the ride where children are allowed to enter unaccompanied by adults so that chances can be taken. A life is so much fun to snuff out with a ratty pillow with a pillowcase that has been used by a morbidly obese homeless man to sleep on (and to wipe his ass with) since 1958 and has never been washed. This will be the LAST thing you smell in this lifetime if you get selected by "Brian" as a victim on the hayride. Something to shoot for. Probably better than your real life options, eh? Seriously, though. Isn't it? Think about it. You'll see my point. It is very clear. Isn't it? Your last aroma will be ass. Better enjoy the meal you are having later. It could be your last. It is probably some store brand shit you bought in a can. Haunted hayride. Yay.
What people want is to be back in the 1920s, building railroads and banging broads in trucks, but we don't have those options open to us any longer. In place of that, we have the Haunted Bridge Abutment with haunted hayride, leaf peeping, and a peep show for the grandpas while the kids are unsupervised on the wagon that goes through the worst parts of terror town. The people who will come at your kids on the hayride are not the kinds of people you'll see in the church. These people have piercings. Ibid.
Now we get to the bridge abutment itself (which is haunted). This is a special tour only for the adults while your children are taken into the woods by "guys" recently released out of prison in a completely unmanaged fashion. Things will work out eventually for you. A TV movie in the 1970s (when we had TV movie of the week things going on - which was RIGHT and what you have now is WRONG) might be in the works.
The bridge abutment is said to be haunted because every year on Halloween, it explodes due to explosives placed around the base of the concrete structure. The bridge abutment is exploded during a very high traffic time, usually with casualties in the hundreds. And then, somehow it is all rebuilt by morning. Possibly by the drow elves. What is drow elf? Look for more information elsewhere. I only understand concepts as they relate to the all-important world of the businessman.
Now, few witnesses survive to tell the tale, which becomes a ghost story told the rest of the year. The climax comes on Halloween when brave souls gather at the base of the bridge abutment and are blown to smithereens, being all killed instantly. Only the wily youngster who hides in the tall grass to have a gander at the proceedings, and perhaps the wisened old man who lives in the hills, survive the night.
Truly wonderful stuff, but if I may take a break from my factual reporting on actual events, movies, and books to give you my honest opinion...
The worship of violence must stop. In the Welsh: Ahs wpship ps violant most styp. There has been too much and there is blood in our streets. Have a cup of tea sometime. Relax, enjoy the fresh air. Live your life. Get away from the violence. Maybe the cartoon violence of over-the-top movies and television shows make it seem funny to you. Will it be funny when you find your toddler stuck to a wall with a railroad spike through his chest, dead as a doornail? Will you be laughing it up and saying, "Yeah, fuck 'em! Fuck 'em all!" No. You will be upset. All of those people are people. Have some respect and don't get off on all this graphic, senseless violence. Turn the corner. Embrace happiness.
Thank you. God bless.