Sad news to report, friends of Friend Behr (who is me). My former work group mate Chris Farley appeared out of nowhere after I got back from the 19th century where I signed peace accords with the trees and the elves. He partnered with Enrico Fermi and Niels Bohr and they stole the quantum leap accelerator machine and abscorded with it to Russia. Apparently, Vladimir Putin has plans for it involving the 2016 election.
This has forced me to rethink my plans, especially with my forthcoming announcement that I will run against former personal hero Donald Trump for the Republican primary. I still feel I need to make a few changes in the past to make my idea viable (Internet kiddie term) about using livestock trucks to cart off everyone who appears to be idle and putting them in one of three different kinds of camps. As you know, my plan involves one set of work camps where fit individuals will be forced to dig for coal twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, with only ONE hard tack cracker a day and recycled piss to drink, until they are no longer useful to America in ANY CONCIEVABLE WAY. The second will be breeding pits where individuals with good DNA and hair will have all arms and legs chopped off and will be thrown in a pit, mixed men and women, and it will turn like a cement mixer and things will happen and those things will result in attractive babies. The third will be food processing, where indviduals who have been judged by sociopaths with no moral compass in their eighties as far as age is concerned, will be processed into food. Then, those judged fit for military service will be fed these food substances made of former "humans" and will develop a taste for man meat and will become an unstoppable army we will use to take over the world and put an emperor back on the throne in Rome to rule over it all. The Pope will be shot in public and left there. Emperor will be Augustus era not later era as that would be irresponsible for reasons I don't need to get into right now. Take my word for it. My word is law. I will hear no argument about this. You will comply.
If you want to work for my campaign, there is a sign up sheet in the lobby. I am asked by friend drownzsurf, who treasures my column like a dog a sick in the head old lady treasures enough to run over with her old Lincoln that no longer has a steering column and therefore is all over the place when she drives it. What she does is illegal but she doesn't exist so don't worry about it. This was what writers like me call a illusory presence paragraph, and if you've never encountered that term before that is why you will never win a Daytime Emmy Award which was once a requirement for noding here before the war happened and thousands died. You will join hands with me. I love the common man and I love like hell doing his wife after tying him up and making him watch, provided she agrees willingly to this beforehand, which is something the elves have taught me. Ask first, accept "no" as an answer when it is given. Treat women like human beings, not like breeding animals unless they have been consigned to my planned breeding pits.
I am going to be building one of these pits soon as a test case, somewhere outside of Utica, New York, where I am hiding out in the woods from the Obama era FBI, fake news wagons, and people with "agendas" as the Internet kiddies call it. I am also hiding out from the hairless ass weasel and from the climate change denier supervan. I will need five women and five men to volunteer. I will be using a rotary saw to remove them juicy limbs. This will be the last job you ever have. Please be the first of many to be consigned to these pits once I am elected.
Berhardt Illych Goats 2020: Make America Like Never Before
My friends.